The Perfect Storm

I honestly feel for any one that had to suffer the effects of Katrina. I had probably hundreds of calls from Katrina victims and people who had family that were victims of Katrina. And from watching that Spike Lee joint I understand that many people are still suffering. With the Medical Savings accounts I handle now for a time we would "forgive" people if they were in a Katrina affected area and had lost their receipts. But a lot of times people like to take advantage of the system.

"Good Morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Yeah dis is Mr. Wilbur, I was callin on that Cafeteria plan, where I got the Visa card and all."
"Right, I'd be happy to help you Mr. Wilbur, whats the problem?"
"We'll I lost some receipts in the hurricane and I need one of those forms so I can get forgiven for them."
"Oh, is this for where you used the card last year and don't have the receipts due to katrina?"
"Yeah that's it."
"Okay sir what was the date of the card swipe?"
"That would be May 27th of 2006 for 20$ and June 3rd for 15$, both at Wally World."
"Well sir..the Hurricane happened well over a year ago, I don't think you lost the receipts because of that."
"Yes I DID!"
"Can you explain how those receipts were lost?"
"When Katrina came it washed away my house and the receipts were in there."
"Sir, Katrina hit in August of 2005 I don't think it washed away your receipts."
"I says it did!"
"Sir do you still live on 555 Made up Road?"
"I've lived there for 5 years!"
"Sir that address is in Missouri, it wasn't directly affected by the hurricane and we won't be able to forgive you for that."
"Dangit, I told Shirley that wouldn't work..."

Maybe Katrina is the reason I can't find matching socks in my house. Until next time, Leroy!

Prince Leroy

I know that you can't sample my illustrius vocal chords by reading this, but just so you know I have a marvelous voice. I am not sure what it is about my voice but women melt at the sound of it, some guys do too...but that is just weird. I try and take my job very seriously and provide the highest level of customer service available, but what happens when someone falls in love with me and I have to gently let them down?

"Good morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"This is Mrs. Marigold, I sure hope you can help me Leroy."
"I'll do everything I can..what is the problem Mrs. Marigold?"
"Well I have a Medical Savings account with you guys and I have forgotten about it and it is getting so close to the end of the year and I have not submitted anything. I am afraid I am going to lose all that money. *sob*"
"Mrs. Marigold...(deep resonant voice...like sex and chocolate) I'm happy to say I can help you. We also handle your insurance so I can pull over those claims and reimburse you your full two-thousand dollars. you'll have it in about 7-10 days."
"*gasp* Leroy!"
"Yes mam?"
"I love you..."
"Sorry Mam, but I am married."
"To bad..I was gonna ask you out for drinks, have a good night Leroy."

Lucky for you all my velvet vochals can't drift through my typing or all of your loins would be frothing for Leroy. Until next time, Leroy.

You can't Escape Leroy!!

Contrary to popular belief there arn't a whole lot of people in my area that takes the kind of calls that I do. So at a certain point in the day where people are on break or leave early it is quite possible I am the only one here. This situation can actually make for a lot of comedy.

"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Well you can get your act together for one thing. I am so sick of yall messing with MY money. MY money not your money, and I want it corrected right now!"
"I'm happy to assist you, whats the problem?"
"Well you are rejecting my claims..I need to know WHY and then I need you to send me a check."
"I'm apologize mam but your insurance canceled as of September 1st, that is why we are rejecting these claims."
"No it didn't cancel...send me my check."
"I'm sorry but it really did cancel."
"No it didn't."
"If it wasn't supposed to cancel you will want to contact your Human Resources with your employer at 1-866-555-5555."
" FINE! I Will call them!!!"
*click*

5 Mins later...

"Good afternoon this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"I am so sick of getting you Leroy...this is Mrs. Bailey."
"Did you call the number I gave you Mrs. Bailey?"
"No because you are going to reinstate my insurance."
"I can't reinstate it mam that has to come from your employer so you will want to call that number I gave you."
"I HATE YOU!"
*click*

3 mins later...
"Good afternoon this is Leroy h-"
"&^%$*# *#@!@*! @#$%!!!!"
"Mrs. Bailey is that you?"
"Yes! And I want your Job!"
"I can assure you that you do not want my job Mrs. Bailey."
"NO! I want you to get fired! You are playing games with me!!"
"All I am doing is answering the phone Mrs. Bailey. Did you call the number I gave you? They can reinstate your insurance..."
"Well I hope they can fire yo &%$ too!!! GOODBYE FOREVER LEROY!"

3 mins later...I WENT HOME! Until next time this is Leroy signing out.

Conartist Grannies

Yesterday on my way home from work I looked down and my gaslight was on. So I turned into the shell station and pulled my car up to the tank. I hopped out took my gas cap off and started pumping. I finished and went inside and paid. When I came out of the gas station there was this feeble old lady standing next to my car with a big smile on her face.

"Excuse me sonny, can you help me?"
"I'll do what I can..whats the matter mam?"
"I don't know how to pump gas, my husband has always done it for me and hes at home sick. Will you pump my gas for me?"

For a minute or two I just stare at the lady. I mean she is like 80+ years old and she has never pumped gas before? And is it really that hard to figure out? If she had said, "Hey I'm an old fart with Athritis and I can't physically do it." Then that I could understand. But never pumped it before?! Something was amiss here...

"Well I'll do a two for one deal. I'll show you how to pump gas while I do it. That sound okay?"
"That would be great. I'm in that Lincoln Town Car over there."
"The one that is like 20 feet long? (the Land Yacht that noone that can't pump gas should be driving?)"
"Yes that's it."

So I mosey on over and start to show her how it's done. This is where Leroy the Customer Service rep really kicked in.

"This is called the gas cap, you work it much like a Mason jar or a jar of Bama Mayonaise. Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey. Repeat that for me."
"Righty Tighty, Left Loosey."
"Good, next you want to remove the Gas pump. Like so...place the shaft into the hole and squeeze it good and tight. When the tank is full it will pop a little bit. Don't be scared. Then you place it back onto the pump and your done. Well ya gotta remember to put the gas cap back on."
"Righty Tighty..Lefty Loosey. Thank you ever so much sir."
"All in a days work!"

And then she gave me a nickle and got in her Land Yacht and left. It wasn't until I was almost home that I realized I forgot to teach her one of the most important lessons in pumping gas.
Paying for it.

So next time you are out pumping gas beware the Conartist Grannies. Until next time, Leroy.

Leroy the Inventor

When I was in middle school we had a contest to see who could come up with a practical and useful invention. I came up with an Automatic Dog Feeder, because at that time I hated tromping out to the dog pen in my underwear and boots just to feed the dogs. So I decided if I only had to fill a bin up once a week it would be a lot better. So I made the thing that would distribute portions of dog food into the bowls beneath them with the pull of a string. It worked great for a while until the dogs learned to pull the string anytime they were hungry.

Later on in life about the time when Listerine Strips became a big thing I thought of a similar invention. Deodorant strips. They work just like Listerine Strips. You pull one out of the pocket size packet and slap it on your armpit and it dissolves and refreshes your deodorant/antiperspirant. So I juggled the idea around for a month or so and tried to figure out how to do it and finally gave up. But it's still funny some of the inventions and especially the infomercials that are constantly coming out. Which brings me to a call I had yesterday...

"Good morning this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Hey Leroy this is Mrs. Darby and I was watching T.V. early this morning and saw something that I wanted to purchase through my insurance."
"Sure we can definately check and see if it's covered or not by your insurance, what is it mam?"
"Well I'm sure it's covered Chuck Norris said most insurances cover it. It's the Total Gym, it has over 80 Excercises I can do, and could supplement my Physical therapy I am taking."
"Well...I'm sorry to say mam but unfortunately that is considered a convenience item and is not covered by your medical insurance."
"But Chuck Norris said it would be covered..."
"Well I agree that Chuck Norris may be a modern medical miracle since I heard he healed someone with a roundhouse kick, and his blood cures AIDS, but unfortunately he is not a medical doctor...and even if it was prescribed by one it would still not be covered."
"Well I am highly upset that this is not covered by my insurance since it would greatly improve my health and probably save you money in the long run."
"I understand your frustration mam but we cannot cover something of that nature. And for future reference we don't cover the Abberciser or the Thighmaster, even when reccomended by a Martial Arts master."
"Well...thanks for nothing Leroy."

Even though he could wipe out 7 generations of my family tree with a roundhouse kick to the face, Chuck Norris is no match for Leroy the Customer Service Rep. Until next time, Leroy!

Saquatch Sighting

Some say I was born with chest hair. I don't know what caused it but I am a pretty hairy man. I'll put it this way...I've been naked before around people and no one has noticed. It's not so bad I feel I need to trim it back or have it surgically removed but it's there none the less. I've jokingly been called Sasquatch by my friends on several occasions but I have never been mistaken as an actual Sasquatch sighting, but I think I talked to one on the phone.

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can I help you today?"
"Hi Leroy, this is Mr. Henderson. You can call me Harry. I need to see if laser hair removal is covered under my insurance policy."
"Well sir unfortunately not, laser hair removal is considered cosmetic and not related to an actual medical diagnosis."
"Oh but it is for a medical condition..It's not cosmetic."
"What is the medical condition sir?"
"I have extreme hair growth all over my body. It's really bad..."
"It's still cosmetic sir, it's not an actual disease or medical condition."
"You do not understand how much hair there is... When I shave I get horrible bumps all over my body."
"Yes sir that's razor burn common side affect of shaving."
"I have to shave everyday...If I let it go for a week or more I almost have a full coat of hair."
"I'm sorry sir I wish it was covered but unfortunately it's not."
Then as he went to hang up the phone I heard a feral roar in the background, like Chewbacca on Star Wars. And it wasn't until then that I realized who I was talking to...the Sasquatch!! Maybe Saquatchism is a medical condition and not the missing link. Who knows...

Oh here is a picture of me on a camping vacation with my parents.



Until next time this is Leroy...Signing out.

Swiper, No Swiping!!!

They moved me to a different area of customer service now. I still get general calls on people's health insurance every once in a while, but mainly I am taking Cafeteria Plan calls. A Cafeteria Plan is where someone elects to have a portion of each paycheck to be placed in a medical savings account. The benefit of it is its tax free and they can use the whole allotted amount for the year up front.

The problem with this whole plan is we give people a Visa card to pull money out of the account, but because it's tax free the IRS has guidelines that they have to send in a receipt for every single card swipe to make sure it was a valid medical expense. Hardly anyone saves these receipts. We will send out letters for 4 months asking for the receipts and if we don't receive them we deactivate the Visa card. This ticks people off and they act like we're some horrible company when its no ones fault but theirs. Whats really funny is what people try to do when they don't have a receipt...

"Morning this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Hi this is Mr. Murphy, my Cafeteria Card is not working and I need to know why."
"Well from what I am showing sir there is a transaction on March 15Th of this year, we have sent you letters over the last 6 months asking for receipts and when we didn't receive a response we turned the card off."
"Where was the card swiped at?"
"Adam's Drugs..."
"I don't even go to Adam's Drugs!"
"Sir it shows every time you have swiped the card at a pharmacy it was at Adam's Drugs, you have used the card there 27 times this year actually."
"Oh, well this particular one on March 15Th is fraudulent I did not make that swipe."
"Sir that swipe was made at 10:15 am, you also used the card that day at Vision Center at 9:00 am and at Dr. Dre's office at 12:30 pm. You sent us receipts for those two charges."
"That doesn't mean I used it at Adam's Drugs!"
"Okay...So your telling me you went to Vision Center, then someone stole your card and used it at Adam's Drugs, then it magically appeared back in your wallet at Dr. Dre's office?"
"Yeah basically..."
"So your gonna go with that?"
"Better than what I was about to say.."

To this day I wonder what he was about to say to convince me he did not make that card swipe. I ended up sending him some fraudulent swipe claim papers that's like 30 pages long. He filled it out and sent it back to me. We pulled the receipts from the store and his signature matched perfectly. He is still saying he didn't do it.. Well, until next time, this is Leroy signing out.

Waffles, Pancakes, and assorted Sausages...

Theres one thing I really hate about having to come to work in the morning. The fact that it is morning. I am just not a morning person I guess. First comes the average morning routine, wake up, shave, brush teeth, dig the eye boogers out, shower, and finally get ready for work. Somehow I get to work, ever end up somewhere and your like, "Did I really drive here? I don't remember the ride at all...did I sleep in my car all night again?" That happens to me everyday.

Then I sit down and log on my computer and check my blog and will myself to write a new one. Then the hens come in and start talking about what they had for breakfast. Pancakes, waffles, assorted sausages, bacon, grits, etc. All this talk of breakfast makes me so hungry that it becomes all I can think about. So after sitting and listening to the breakfast club conclude their meeting its time for me to take a call.

"Good morning Pancakes how can I help you today?"
"Umm... Hi, this is Mr. Hamm, I need to check to see why this claim rejected."

I am a moron, I can't believe I called this guy Pancakes, he prolly thinks I am gay and hitting on him, so I decide I might as well go with it at this point.

"Well sugar waffle...it looks likes this claim rejected because your only allowed 150$ for routine vision every 2 years and you used it all last year, darlin."
"Oh... well that explains it. Thanks for your help mam."

Stupid guy thought I was a woman. Until next time this is Grits with Cinnamon signing out. *skips away*

Capt. 'Hot Aft' Leroy

As most everyone knows or should know yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. Well working in a Customer Service Department answering phone calls and doing this all day would have gotten me fired, but because I am so dedicated to TLAPD I decided to do one call. Luckily the member didn't catch on and ask for my manager, or maybe it is true that everyone has a little pirate in them.

"Avast! This be Leroy, how can I be of service?"
"Good morning Leroy, this is Mrs. Jackson, I need to see if I have benefits for a routine colonoscopy? I have a family history of colon cancer and would like to have a screening."
"Arghh...I have a family history of booty problems, meself! Don't be dropping anchor just yet, I'll check to see if that's covered."
"Okay..."
"Alright Matey, Looks to me like a colon screening is covered under you health insurance policy. Hopefully you'll be having clear skies and sails full of wind!"
" Thanks for the information Leroy, you have a good day."
"You too lass, may your keels be full of haul and your seas as smooth as glass!"


Argg, that did tickle me wooden leg! Until next time, this is Capt 'Hot Aft' Leroy signing out!

Hold me Gently Part II

In the customer service world we are graded on our calls in three areas. The first is talk time, which is how long the average of all our calls last, we have to keep this around two minutes and 45 seconds. Second is if we gave them the right information and third is how often we sign off the phone. I am a pro at talk time because I can multi-task really well and I try to never put people on hold.

The problem with never putting people on hold is that they are to used to being put on hold by everyone else in the whole world. So when I say, " Just a second while I pull that up!" They think I am no longer on the phone and won't hear anything they say because there is a few seconds of silence. I often hear very informing information on these slip ups, and they are almost always humorous. I have written a lot of these down and I thought I would share a few periodically.

"Just a second while I pull that up."
"Hey...whats that noise? Is that the Ice Cream Man?! Oh my God...I should just hang up right now and call back."
"Well I'm still here if you needa go thats fine, you can just call me back."
"Oh...*click*"

"Just a moment, I'll pull that up for you."
" HURRY UP! You have to act mean to these people or they wont do anything for you."
"I'm still here mam.."
" I am mad...and I am NOT acting now."

"I understand how you feel sir but give me one second to pull this up, thanks."
"He doesn't understand.. He doesn't know me. UUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Okay sir, I am back."
"So you have the claim up now?"

"Leroy, I am just not satisfied with that answer, can you look over it again?"
"Sure, give me just a moment to pull it back up."
"...THAT STUPID MOTHER #$@&*^, I JUST WANT TO RIP HIS FACE OFF AND THROW IT AGAINST A WALL OVER AND OVER AND OVER... UGHHH!!!"
"Yeah I didn't put you on hold yet mam."
*click*

What really kills me is people don't realize what all that phone receiver picks up. I can basically hear anyone talking in the room or what they are watching on T.V. What really kills me is people talking in the background to their spouse telling them what to say.

"I need to know why this particular claim rejected." (Wife)
"Okay let me pull that up for you." (Leroy)
"yeah find out why it's rejecting then freaking pay it. Why do we even have insurance. Ask him that!" (Husband in background)
"Well the claim is rejecting because a routine office visit is only covered once a year and this is the second one." (Leroy)
"Well why do I even have insurance then?" (Wife)
"Well you took it out with your employer, but they set these guidlines for us to follow" (Leroy)
"You ask him what you employer has to do with this!" (Husband in the background)
"Mam, ask your husband if he wants me to just talk to him." (Leroy)
"Oh...you can hear him?"(Wife)
"Yup...everything." (Leroy)
"No its okay I'll tell him to shut up and go in another room." (Wife)

So remember next time you break into song while your on "hold," you may not really be on hold. Until next time,
Leroy

Morning Woody!

A long time ago in a far far away place I worked at Arby's, a fast food restraunt. It was about a week after the movie Toy Story came out and we had toys in our kid's meals promoting the movie. All we got were Buzz Lightyears. It was about 15 minutes until we closed so I had everyone cleaning and I was taking orders and getting things together for the 1 or 2 customers we had at that time. Then this young lady came in with her little boy and his eyes lit up at the posters on the wall with all the toys shown on them.

"MOM! I want a Woody!"
I just shook my head because I knew this was going to be bad. The lady came up to place her order.
"Yes I want a numer one combo for myself and a kids meal with the chicken nuggets, can I get a Woody with the nuggets?"
"I'm sorry mam but I don't have a Woody...all I got is Buzz Lightyears."
"MOM I WANT A WOODY!"
" Just a minute son..Listen sir, he has his mind set on the Woody, I really need a woody if you have one."
" I wish I did have a Woody mam I would certaintly give it to you willingly, but I don't. I'm so sorry."
"Can I speak to your manager? I know that sometimes you can only release them at certain times and I want to ask him if he has a Woody hidden away some where."
"I am the manager and I can assure you that if I had a Woody it wouldn't be hidden, I would have it right out in the open, but I tell you what I can give you one of these posters that have the Woody on it."
"Well...that would work. Thanks for all your help."
I was glad to get out of that situation, I had to go wash my hands afterward because I felt so dirty but I was glad to be out of it. Well with my new job I figured I wouldn't ever have to endure such a situation again, boy was I wrong. For the last few weeks anywhere from 5 to 8 callers a day mistake my name for something else.

"Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"Oh Hi Woody, this is John from Walanche Bank..."
Leroy doesnt even sound like WOODY!!!

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can i help you today?"
"Mornin' Woody!"

There must be some magical fairy or gremlin coming in on the line like those cheesy voice overs on movies with bad words played on public T.V.
"You stupid mother CHEESE." And it was a girl saying it but CHEESE was in a guys voice, maybe someone is going,"Good morning this is WOODY, how can I help you?"

I donno, but until next time, this is WOODY signing out.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Everyone famous has some kind of organization or cause they support or are the front runners of. I decided that I would support what should be the most important holiday of the year, Talk Like a Pirate Day. On September 19th, a week from tommorow, is when this most important holiday will take place. What do I do on TLAPD you ask? Well...you pull out your Buckle and start Swashing it, you gargle some salt water to get the nasty phlegm sound in your throat, you throw your fist in the air when you see your wife and yell, "Arghh!! Bring me cereal wench!"

It is all about talking like a pirate. this was started by two guys, John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur & Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, while playing raquetball. Somehow they started using pirate slang and it made the game go faster and their time more enjoyable, and they have been fighting for TLAPD ever since. they have been featured in the Miami herald and people everywhere are starting to fall into the use of Pirate Lingo on Sept 19th.

So please do everything you can to help Ol' Leroy out and support Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th! Also visit http://www.talklikeapirate.com for more info and a lot of fun stories and facts. And here's hoping to not getting fired on Sept 19th!!

May yer keels be full and the sea like glass for all yer sailing days! Arghh! that tickles me wooden leg!
Captain Leroy!

Death by Phone

Everyone feels like their job is going to kill them atleast once in their life. Like if you work on a backhoe it might blow up one day, if your a massage therapist you might tee off a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu master, or if your a preacher God may fire you. The only harm I may suffer at my job is to my sanity, never have I feared death at work...until now.

Mondays always are the worst days at work for two reasons. First off we get the most calls on Mondays because everyone is pent up over the weekend because we are off. Second it is Monday to everyone else as well, so they are just as pissed off as I am. I usually try to resolve to make it a good day and end up throwing my headset across the room by the second or third call. This was the scariest Monday yet.

I got to my desk, drank a few sips of coffee, logged on the computer, checked to see how many comments I have on my blog (because they let me know you are reading them), and finally sign on the phone. BOOM! First call comes in.
"Hello on this fine morning, my name is Leroy how can I be of service to you?"
"Hi Leroy, my name is Jane Death, D-E-A-T-H and I was calling to talk to you."
I have never prayed so fast in all my life... Oh Jesus, forgive me where I have failed you, I tried to be good most of my life, I pray and read the good book, Why is it time for me to go Lord?
Then I thought, all our calls are random maybe she doesnt want to talk right to me, but she did say "I was calling to talk to you." I'm not ready to die! And why would God be so cruel to make the Angel of Death a woman?! They are so merciless! And why does she also work for Bestbuy, does God not have good health benefits?
I could hear Death calling my name over and over and over...and then I realized she was still on the phone and I hadn't been talking.
"Oh..sorry Mrs. Death, the computer seems to be going really slow, let me check something.... Yep, it seems our computer system has gone down, I'll have to ask you to call back in about 30 minutes to an hour and we should have it back up by then."
"Well...okay. It was really important but I guess I'll call back."
"Thank you Mrs. Death."

Stupid Angel of Death, good thing she didn't come in person. Then she would have known the computers were fine. Leroy => Death.
Until next time, Leroy.

Viva la Leroy

It never fails. Everytime it gets close to me being able to sign out for lunch I get a very long drawn out call and I end up going to lunch late. Which is not a good thing for someone who loves lunch so much. Yesterday was no exception. I was sitting there poised over the signout button on my phone and BLAM! Phone call:
"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how may I help you today?"
"Soma one der Speaka da Spanish?"
So I responded in the one spanish phrase I know..
"Uno momento por favor!"
At this point I have to call the Language Line, I get an interpreter on the line named Maria, and I conference her in on the call and she interprets for me and the customer. So we go back and forth for a long time getting general information. Then me and Manuel get into an argument about the claim he is calling on.
"Maria.. Please tell Manuel that the claim is rejecting because of how his doctor submitted it, he needs to contact the doctor to question how they filed it."
"Leroy, Manuel says you are incompetent and he is not hanging up this phone until you take care of this."
"Maria, tell Manuel in a slightly angry tone of voice he needs to contact his doctor."
So they go back and forth Speakin da Spanish for like 4 minutes. And Maria comes back and says,
"He said he will call the doctor, Have a good day."
"Thats all he said?"
"Yes... thats all he said."
"But you were talking back and forth for like 4 minutes and thats all he said?"
" Yes..."
So I let it go... Even though I shouldn't have because I bet they were talking about me spitefully. I went home to my apartment for lunch and made a sandwich while muttering curses for those of Spanish descent. I got a plate and a drink and went and sat down at my computer. As I am sitting there feasting, I hear a scratchy scrapy noise on my window. Well I am on the 2nd floor in my apartment building so I figure its a bird or a squirell or something. But it goes on for like 20 minutes. So I decide I am going to scare the crap out of this bird and it wont ever come back. So I sneak over to the window and grab the cord to the blinds.

I ripped the blinds open and jumped up. I came face to face with a Mexican on a ladder and we both screamed like girls. He almost fell of the ladder and I stood there wide eyed thinking I was about to be the cause of his death, but he held on and sat there waving a paint brush at my face and screaming at me in spanish. I held my hands out and said "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" And quickly closed the blinds. I did notice one thing as I closed the blinds, the name tag on his paint splatered jumpsuit said... "Manuel."

Does anyone know what "punta" means? Until next time,
Leroy!

C3-Leroy, Human Cyborg Relations

In 1876, at the age of 29, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. At this same time the war began, an underground war, a war between Customer Service Reps and their customers. The battles have raged on and on with wins and losses on each side, and it seems like the casualties in this war will forever be piled high and continue to grow. These battles are fought with words , canny thinking, and recordings for quality assurance. In our office we have tried to reduce the human casualties by placing anamatronic voice response units (VRUs) on the front line and to let us pick off the straglers as they get past. Sometimes the battle with the VRUs can be devestating to a customer and they will still believe they are fighting them even when they are connected to the Customer Service Rep, Special Forces.

Mrs. Johnson calls in...
"Good Morning this is Leroy, May I have your contract number please?"
In response the person punches in their contract number on the phone, I wait patiently for them to finish.
"Hello, I am not a computer, May I please have your contract number please?"
Once again...punched the numbers in...
"Hello!?"
"Oh, Hi..."
"How are you today?"
" I'm good, thanks."
"May I have your contract number please?"
Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep... Please tell me this is not for real, I was seriously 9 beeps away from slamming my head on the desk and ending it all. Then I thought...maybe this is some new tactic by the customers to have the Reps self destruct. Surely not..
"Mam, I am not a computer, I am a living breathing human being that does not have the compatability to understand the numbers you are punching in, Please give me your contract number or social security number verbally."
"Beep Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Boop." Now I know it may seem like she punched in the numbers again, but no....she made the noises with her mouth.
Score, 1 Customer, 0 Leroy.

Until next time,
Leroy, First Seargent of Special Forces CSR 3rd Division, Awarded the Purple Headset for Valor in the Line of Duty.

The Ultimate Chair

Everyone has a hobby, something that they do strictly because the enjoy doing it, not because they have to. My hobby is playing computer games, specificaly Massive Multiplayer Online Games. Games that connect to the internet and you play and interact with millions of people all over the world. I have met a lot of people on these games and have even established some lifelong friendships with people I have met. The only problem with these games is they require a lot of time to be succesful in your endeavors. So that is a lot of time sitting in a chair.

One day at work a miracle came to me in the form of an 82 year old man who couldnt walk to the bathroom. This is how the conversation went:

" Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"This is George Georgerson born in 1897 and survivor of WWI and WWII where I was a tailgunner on a submarine in Natzi controlled Antarctica. I need to see if a Commode Chair is covered, I can't make it to the pisser."
"I'm sorry sir but im not familiar with the term Commode Chair, can you describe its purpouse?"
"We'll its a chair with a toilet built into it, so I dont have to get up to go."

How in the world had I never heard of these before?! This could be one of the greatest inventions of all time and I didn't even know about it! So I check for Mr. Georgerson and let him know it was indeed covered and then I thanked him for passing the information along to me that I was consdiering getting one myself. So I went home with thoughts of Dancing Commode chairs in my head. I looked up commode chairs on the internet and was suprised at how comfortable they looked, and if I put wheels on the legs combined with my hardwood floors I would never have to get up ever again!

And I always think so much better on the toilet anyways, this way I will be that much more focused all the time! Maybe I need one at work too... Until next time,

Leroy

Prince Leroy's Fairy Godfather

I know that most everyone has seen the Disney movies where the fair princess is in some dire need of Designer name shoes and a kick butt cairage. These wishes are usually fulfilled by the Fairy Godmother, who swoops in just in time to turn unwilling animals into designer wear and beasts of burden. Well I was at my parents house the other night eating dinner and conversing over this and that when it struck me. Who was my Godfather? No not my Italian Mafia boss, thats Joey Soprana, I'm talking about the person that if something happened to my parents when I was a child who would have taken care of me. So I asked...

"Hey Dad, who is my Godfather?"
"Joey Soprana."
"No Dad, not my mob boss, who did you designate as my Godfather when I was born?"
"Well...uhh.. it was one of our friends growing up in school."
"Oh what was his name?"
"Ro*mumble mumble*y"
"I'm sorry Dad I couldn't quite make that out..."
"Ronnie.."
"Oh yeah he was like yours and mom's best friend for a long time, I remember yall talking about him."
So I went on with the meal and I remembered exactly what my mom and dad talked about back when they talked about Ronnie.
"HEY! My Godfather is GAY!"
"Sorry son, we didnt know he was at the time.."
"I have a Fairy Godfather!"

I didnt know what to do with this information, on one hand it may be a good thing. Like I could wish for a new car, but it would probably end up being a purple VW Bug. I could ask for some new clothes, but they would be focused on making my ghetto booty look good. Yeah after further consideration I could not see where this would be a good thing. As a matter of fact if I wasn't careful I could end up butt deep in gayness.

This seems to happen anyways. At work I always get these gay couples calling me and talking to me about their sex life or things to help their sex life. First, how is it gay couples can't get married but they can be put on one anothers insurance. I think the HR person just doesnt want to get sued. I had a guy call today and wanted to know why we wouldn't cover Viagra for his "significant other." And it occured to me, is this really a problem that gay men face? If one is having problems rising to the occasion, can't he just swap positions?

I still havn't asked who my Godmother is, I'm afraid it may be my Mom's cocker spaniel. Until next time, Leroy!

If Mamma ain't Happy, Ain't nobody happy!

My mom beat me as a small child, now granted 98% of it was deserved. I was a horrible child growing up and a thorn in my mothers side until about the 3rd grade. I have a little brother named J.T. and my neighbor Hunter and I tortured my poor brother growing up. We lived in a rural area and we played outside all the time, in the driveways, in the woods, and in the barn. It was simple but fulfilling childhood, but me and Hunter were very michevious and did several things to my brother.

For instance one time we tied a rope to the tire swing and would pull it way up in the air and let go. My brother thought this was awesome and he begged us to try it out. So we let him and we pulled and pulled and pulled until he was almost in the treetops. And then we tied the rope to a tree and left JT in the trees for about 4-5 hours. Another time we took two halves of a 55 gallon plastic drum smashed them together and rolled him down a very large hill, when he finally pushed himself out he threw up, he has a very weak stomach. We also held him down and stringed spit towards his face and slurped it up right before it touched his face, this also induced vomitting. And my personal favorite was when we used one of Dad's suit jacket coat hangers ran it through his shirt and hung him in the closet and locked it. My Mom however did not like us "abusing her baby," and this is usually where I was beaten by my Mom.

Regular Moms are quick to anger but an actual pregnant woman is a ticking time bomb waiting to rip someones head off and devour the inards. Delilah sits next to me at work and she is currently 8 months pregnant and showing. She has to be one of the sweetest people I have ever known. She is really timid and shy and very softspoken, I never hear her talking to someone even thoug shes 5 feet away. Well...someone screwed up bigtime when they pissed off Delilah.

I was sitting there reading my book and waiting for my next call to come in when I hear next to me:
"Oh NO you didn't.. Sir Do you realize you are talking to a pregnant woman? You are gonna call in here and talk this way to me when I am 8 months pregnant? I have already had a hard enough day and I know you are not gonna call and cuss me out before I even offer to help you, that is RUDE!"

My jaw was on my desk and just about every cubicle in my department had the top half of someones head peeking over it wondering when the manager was going to walk over and fire Delilah.

"Well...I am sick of this too, sir! ...Can you talk to my supervisor? I think I need to talk to your supervisor, are you at work? SIR! SIR! SIR! If you say another curse word where my baby can hear it I will hang this phone up right now! (long pause)... Now are you gonna behave? Okay...I accept your apology, that is much better. Now how can I help you today?"

I could not believe what had just happened, I felt like I had witnessed the world coming to an end for Delilah; but what was even more amazing was Delilah let the man talk to our manager after she was finished and he complemented Delilah for helping him out and setting him straight. The next time someone calls and is being rude to me I'm gonna ask to speak to their Mom...until next time,
Leroy

Hold me Gently Part 1

In the customer service world we are graded on our calls in three areas. The first is talk time, which is how long the average of all our calls last, we have to keep this around two minutes and 45 seconds. Second is if we gave them the right information and third is how often we sign off the phone. I am a pro at talk time because I can multi-task really well and I try to never put people on hold.

The problem with never putting people on hold is that they are to used to being put on hold by everyone else in the whole world. So when I say, " Just a second while I pull that up!" They think I am no longer on the phone and won't hear anything they say because there is a few seconds of silence. I often hear very informing information on these slip ups, and they are almost always humorous. I have written a lot of these down and I thought I would share a few periodically.

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"This guy I have on the phone is so daft its not funny... he said Good Morning and its 1:15 here!"
(Yeah...she was two time zones away...didn't wanna break it to here who was really daft)

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Mother $^%&er! C*&^ Sucking! Stupid Hold! Son of a.."
"Thanks for holding for me.."
"Oh No problem, happy to!"

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Hes got me on hold Jerry, lemme show you how you do that, you gotta push it in real hard but dont bend it all up you'll never straighten it back out if you do. Now look! You done yanked it out again!"
"I'm back..."
"Whew that was quick!"

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"This guy is a moron.."
"Yeah the moron is still here."
"Oh shit..."

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Doobie Doobie Do...two lonely people...Doobie Doobie do..."
"Strangers in the Night...thats a good song."
"Yeah...I thought I was on hold."
"By all means, continue!"

The Essence of Leroy

Family is a very important thing where I come from, you keep your family close and visit them quite often. I know its strange but I actually enjoy hanging out with my family and even with my in-laws. One thing that is very important to my family is birthdays. They are always big events where the whole family gets together and we eat and eat some more then talk in between bites. Well this past weekend I was at one of these birthday parties for a cousin Trev-Bo, and at this party there were balloon animals, no clowns (thank god), just balloon animals. There was one such ballon animal made in the shape of a long nosed dog. Someone placed this flesh colored balloon dog in the crook of some tree limbs and let him hang up there by his neck.

He stayed up there for quite some time enjoying the sights of the party but then his body exploded due to the agitation of the tree bark. Unfortunately the Long balloon snout and the two egg shaped ears were still hanging up there, and immediately it was noticed that Spot was no longer a Dog...he was a set of male genetalia. This was pointed out quite quickly by Trev-Bo's Uncle, who said, "Dang...them balls are smooth as eggs." There was a few moments of silence then the picnic area erupted with laughter. Then horror struck...Trev-Bo's mom grabbed the "package" and threw it to the ground and began to grind the "package" with her foot. Every male cried out in sudden anguish and the wang popped in brutal finality.

The male gentalia can be quite a funny subject at times, mostly because it is not normaly talked about in people's daily conversation. That is, except mine. Everyday I have to hear about some Paw-Paw needing to get his groove on. Today was no exception when Mr. Brown called in:
"Hello? Hello?"
"Good afternoon my name is Leroy how can I help you today?"
"Oh hey Leroy, I was callin to see if my surgery was approved for my penis implants."
"...well... I can certaintly check, do you mind holding? (Even though there must not be enough to hold...)"
"Sure thing!"
Sure enough the Insurance Fairy had come and touched its magical wand on Mr. Browns Penis wish and he was approved to have the implants. Apparently Mr Brown had so many other problems in like that we had to give him something to "do" in his free time, lucky Mrs. Brown.
"Thanks for holding sir, I checked on the pre-determination and it was approved, you'll receive a letter stating this information."
"Hallelujah, praise Jesus, God Almighty!" I guess if Jesus can be raised from the dead so can parts of Mr. Brown.
"Christmas has come early thank you so much Leroy you have no idea how much this means to me. If I was there I would give you a big ol' hug."
"As long as its before the surgery I'd be happy to give you a hug Mr. Brown, you have a good day and have a fast recovery!"

And so the Legend says that everytime there is a balloon genetalia made a senior citizen gets his jimmy back.

Leroy Son

Before my illustrious position as a customer service rep. I worked in a Chinese restaurant called Asian Cuisine. I waited tables and it was actually fun being a southern white guy in an Asian restaurant. Mr. Wong was the cook and he spoke no english, but his food was amazing. So, like any mischevious person would, I decided to teach Mr. Wong a few choice words in our language to help him understand the waiters more.

I began with simple things at first I went to the freezer and held up a raw chicken, "This is a cock," "Cock?" "Yes!" So he nodded his head and enthusiasm and before you know it we were able to order General Tsao's Cock and Sesame Cock a lot easier. Next came the beef, there were a lot of beef dishes so it was important we get this across to him to make ordering that much more efficient. So when Mr. Wong was cooking some beef for Mongolian beef we pointed and said "Mongo Biatch!" He held up a little peice of the meat and said "Biatch?" So I smiled big and nodded my head and he gave me a thumbs up. This made it much easier to order Biatch and Broccoli instead of having to learn the chinese for it.

The problem eventually came about when Nancy, the owner and manager, was bringing out a case of beef and Mr. Wong said "Ooo Big Biatch!." Suddenly there was Chinese flying everywhere, they were yelling back and forth and while I was trying to fold silverware into napkins Mr. Wong pointed at me while he was yelling in Chinese at Nancy. This is where it becomes fuzzy, I remember her eyes slanting (more than usual) and a Spring Roll suddenly flying for my face, it went dark after that. Apparently it was very stale and I was temporarily blinded.

Needless to say I don't teach other people incorrect words anymore, because it can cause temporary springroll induced blindness. But I did have a man teach me a few choice words today. I also handle whats called a Flexible Spending Accounts for certain companies. This is where employees can put a certain amount of money back out of each check, tax free, for medical expenses. Well since it is tax free it is subject to the IRS guidlines and reimbursement has to be requested by a certain date, usually March 31st. So Mr. Lee calls in and wonders why his request for $4,000.00 was rejected. I advised him that unfortunately he had submitted the request 2 days late and we wouldn't be able to reimburse for the last years expenses anylonger.

Have you ever listened to those Learn Chinese in 1 Month tapes? They start off slow with simple phrases said in English then said again in Chinese. What ensued after I told Mr. Lee the saddening news was a lot like what the last week of that tape series would sound like. He would cuss me out in English, then cuss me out in Chinese and he repeated this several times for about 10 minutes so by the time our conversation was done I had had a crash course in the chinese equivalents for the majority of all the English 4 letter words. Then it sounded as if he broke his desk with his forehead and the call disconnected.

So next time your eating Biatch and Broccoli, think of Ol' Leroy Son! And remember, Wow yao fong pei!

Leroy

Super Leroy

When I was a little Leroy there was a little grocery store we would go to, named Jimmie's. It was basically a small country store where people still bagged in only paper and walked stuff out to the car. I loved going to Jimmie's because we would go once a week and it just happened to fall on the day new comics came out. My first comic ever was Superman, it was right there around the Bizzaro series and the Death of Superman that I really got into it. From this point on I was pretty enthralled with Superman, I had the Undies, I ran around a lot with my blanket tied around my neck and I broke my brother's arm with my superhuman strength! (I pushed him off the top bunk of our bunk beds...)

Well as I have grown and became somewhat of an adult I still try to emulate Superman like qualities in my duty as a Customer Service agent. For example by job is to essentially help people, well Superman would take it one step further he would try to improve or even save peoples lives. This is what I do, when someone calls me I give them the kind of service and attention that could very well save their life. I am a hero to the healthcare community. When you have a Claim problem...Leroy is here. If you need lotion for those STDs, I can tell you your copay and what pharmacy to go to. Do you just need someone to talk to?
DO NOT FREAKING CALL ME! I am Super Leroy, I need to help people that have serious problems and need serious help. I am not here for 70+ year old people to call and tell me how they lost their toe in the war. Yes it is an interesting story, but something I can fix? No...

Anyways back on topic, I was feeling especially super Monday, because usually Monday is the worst day and I thought to myself, "If I am Super Leroy on a Monday noone will be able to be a douschbag to me because I being so super nice." So VERY FIRST call I get here is how it goes:
"Good Morning my name is Leroy (Can't say Super Leroy that would give away my secret identity, duh.) how are you on this glorious day?"
" I'm F&%^ing pissed! I hate that stupid computer system you guys have it don't never understand my alphabets."
"I personally apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced with the automated response system. I will forward a suggestion that they have the alphabets recognition worked on. How can I help you today sir?"
"Well I had insurance with yall since my Ma and Pa had it and now yall go and say I ain't covered no more, rejecting my claims and such."
"Okay Sir, looking at your contract it shows that dependents are only covered up until the age of 19, and then they have to be a full time student in college to stay on the policy, are you in college at this time?"
"Hell naws, I aint even been in school since I could drop out. I work on cars now."
"Well I apologize from the deepest valves of my aorta sir, I wish there was more we could do but unfortunately you can no longer remain on your parentals contract."
"Well... piss fire."
"Does that take care of everything for you today sir?"
"Yeah you did a Suuuper job Leroy...real Super."

My secret identity has been discovered...on my first call of the day. I guess it was to hard to disguise my superness. Until next time Have a Splendiferous day from Leroy! *throws down Smoke bombs, POOF* * Runs away...*

Leroy of the Dead

Usually I just talk to the cardholder or subscribers at work but recently they have trained me to take calls where the provider (or doctors office/hospital) is calling to check on the benefits for the patient. These calls are usually really blad and the people show no emotion and its a get on get the information get off type of call. Which is one of the reasons I havnt had much to post lately.

Julie with an OB-GYNs office called and wanted to get Pap Smear and general Routine benefits for her patient. So I told her at what percentage we would cover it and etc. So then she asked when the patient was effective on the contract and if they were still covered.
So I looked at the information she had had insurance with us since like 1978 and she was canceled... hmm... reason: Subscriber Deceased!
"Well Julie...the patients coverage did cancel on may 30th of this year. Is she coming in today?"
"Yes actually she is standing right here do you need to talk to her?"
"No but is this a sick visit or just her routine checkup?"
"Its just a regular checkup, shes actually pretty healthy looking. Whats the cancelation reason of the contract?"
"It says here cancelation is because the member is deceased..."
"Oh... thats odd let me call you back."

She never did call me back and I can only think of two reasons. The first is the lady called into work dead one to many times and they took her siously and canceled her insurance. Or she was a zombie and ended up eating everyone in the doctors office when they tried to give her a papsmear. Eww....

Maybe I should try calling in dead to work...anyways until next time.
Leroy

70+ Law

I like old people, Im related to a few of them actually. But it never ceases to amaze me that at a certain age the mind starts to slip. Here are a few facts you should know about older people.

They have spent the last 70 years learning things and their head is full, it doesnt matter how many times you explain the same thing over and over again they are not going to get it because they are done learning... forever.

They are very picky and they hate when things change mostly due to the first fact but also because its the way it has "always been done!."

They have everything in the world possibly wrong with them there is no reason an insurance company should deny anything they have done, atleast that is the way they feel.

While they cannot learn anything new they do remember every little detail about the last 70+ years of there life and will be happy to divulge all 70+ years of it no matter what question you ask.

When people reach this age they should only be able to call loved ones and friends or not be able to have a phone at all. The following stories are two cases to prove my point:

Mrs. Casey called me today and wanted to update me with her new insurance card information she got in the mail that day. She was a very sweet old lady in her 80s but she did have a problem that when she talked it sounded like she was crying, her voice just just quavered really weird and it took her forever to say a sentence. So I asked her for the insurance company's name and she said CITI Financial, then I asked for the ID # and she gave me like a 16 digit #, 5 minutes later I asked for the effective date she says,
"There isnt an effective date, but there is a cancel date.."
Curious I asked, "Well what is that?"
" August of 2012."
This tipped me off...the poor lady had not gotten a new insurance card she was giving me her credit card information.
"Mam is there a large black strip on the back of the card?"
"Actually, yes there is..."
"Mam that is a credit card..."
"NO! Its my new insurance card!"
"Okay mam I have that updated for you..." (I just gave up.)

The second is where Mr. Johnson called us and was quite furious.
" I want you to know this is probably the 30th time I have called in about this and I am furious! Everytime I call in for the same thing and nothing has been done."
I think we have seriously messed up this guys insurance and this is not going to be a great call.
"Well Ill be happy to help you with whatever your problem is Mr. Johnson."
"Well I hope you can do better than the 50 other people I talked to about this. Here is my problem when you send me out the paper copies of the claim reports, they are to big to fit in my file cabinet."
This seriously better not be this mans problem...
"And?"
"And what? Thats my problem, I have to just stack these things up everywhere because they wont fit in my cabinet!"
"Im sorry sir but I dont think we can change the size of the paper we print these out on just so you can fit them in your filing cabinet."
"Im not asking you to change the size for everyone just for me, it cant be that hard."
"Well actually sir the claim reports are all generated on the day they are processed by a large printing press so we cant print them out individually."
"Well thats a bunch of Bull(#&@! what am I supposed to do with these?"
"My personal suggestion would be to cut them, fold them or buy a bigger cabinet sir."
"Will my insurance pay for that?"
"No sir."
"I want to speak to your manager!"

So I transfered him to my manager and she laughed in his face. And this my friends is why people 70+ should not have phones.

Leroy

Hi, Im dead!

I hate when people pretend to be someone they are not. People will call in all the time with a deep manly voice and say, Hi my name is Sue Walker, or a barely audible old person voice will say they are 18 and their granddaughter. Usually I can catch them at this when the say something like, "Well her bill..." or "Well She said.." And I'm like who is She I thought you were her? Then its usually quiet for like a minute and they say "Well Im her cousin and I have power of attorney" So I make them fax it to me. And some people will deny it and keep saying they are that person no matter what.

So Tuesday I got a call from a supposed Mrs Sanderson. She called and for a 95 year old lady was extremely lively and chipper. So I asked her what her date of birth was and address and blood type etc trying to weasel this woman out of saying she wasnt really Mrs. Sanderson, then I saw it...
"So Mrs. Sanderson, (if you really are the real Mrs. Sanderson..) how can I help you today?"
"Well I need to see why this claim on April the 8th wasnt paid for."
"Okay, Let me check that for you."
So I put her on hold and looked at the claim and it said it rejected because she was no longer covered on the insurance. Well that was strange usually I notice that on the front page that pops up. So I check and sure enough it canceled April 7th, reason of cancelation: Death. Immediately I think of one of my favorite T.V. shows, The Medium, where this lady that talks to the dead and helps solve problems that were left unsolved. First thing I thought was I have the power to talk to the dead and I need to help this lady get her claim paid so she can rest in peace.
" Well Mrs. Sanderson it looks like the Dr. Filed the wrong Date of service, so if you dont mind holding i'll call them for you and make sure thay have that correct."
"That would be great, do you need anything from me?"
"Well I know I am supposed to be helping you out and all so you can rest in peace, but I do have something I have always wondered, Is Elvis really dead?"
"Leroy, how am I supposed to know that?"
"Well you are no longer with us Mrs. Sanderson...I dont know if you remember this or not but you passed away on April 7th of this year."
"Leroy, this is Mrs. Sandersons daughter..."

Damn it all...I was hoping I would get my own primetime T.V. show on Lifetime. Maybe next time.
Leroy

Mother Phonetics

I used to work for a sporting goods stores and I sold firearms. Anytime someone bought a firearm they would have to fill out this complicated form and couldn't have any mistakes on the form. Then I would have the call it in the Feds and they would run an immediate background check and give me an "A-Okay" or "Keep them busy until we get there!." The crazy thing was when you talked to the Feds you had to spell everything out with Phonetics like: A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo, etc.

Well with the job I have now everyone has a contract number with 3 letters and then 9 numbers. And people have the worst time trying to get our Vocie Response system to understand the letters. They will say E-D-U and it'll respond "You said T- P- U?" so by the time they get to me they're pissed off and they phonetically want to spell everything out to you, here are some of my favorites:

P as in Paul, P as in Paul, A as in ASSHOLE COMPUTER SYSTEM!

A as in Apple, B as in Boy, P as in Cox ( That was her last name... but she must have had something dirty on her mind.)

M as in Mother, S as in Suckin, and F as in (Well it rhymes with Suckin and Starts with an F, she was really mad...)

E as in Education, D as in Education, and U as in Education.

X as in Exciting...
then I said "Wait do you mean E?"
No I mean X as in Exciting.
"You know that Exciting starts with an E right?"
Yes I know that but Exciting has the X sound in it...gah.."

Heads are Rolling

It never ceases to amaze me the type of things people will try to pull. I have seen all types of crazy inventions that are supposed to change my life or make things easier in my daily routine and they usually end up being more of a hassle than anything else. Every diet pill I have ever taken or tried usually is not worth the side effects of constant headaches, lack of energy, and explosive bowel movements. I have had people try to sell me Foakleys, Waybans, Polexes, and Goochies. I am sorry but the trunk of a car is not a good place of business. Unless you need a good DvD player at a decent price.

Some people will call in and try to pull one over on us. Because we are on a recorded line if we say something is covered and they go out and have the service provided we have to honor that. Apparently we have subscribers who know this is as well because they will phrase their questions in a way that is misleading to us to get us to cover something ridiculous. For example I had a woman call wondering if we would cover a warm moisture therapy device, at face value this sounds like a peice of medical equipment that would be covered, but when you ask the person to describe the apparatus it is described as a large tub of hot bubbling water... a hot tub.

My favorite one so far is Mrs. Jackaby, here how the conversation went.
"Good morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Yes this is Mrs. Jackaby, I was calling to see if a particular medical device is covered."
"Well I would be happy to check for you, what is the device?"
"Well I need to see if a cranial prosthesis is covered."
"Oh my Mrs. Jackaby how are you recovering?"
"Well some days are tougher than others but if I can get this I wouldn't be so embarassed at going out into public."
"Oh right, I could imagine that...well I will check on that and get right back with you."
"Okay, thanks."

So I put her on hold and was just baffled. I checked the contractual exclusions and reviewed her durable medical equipment benefits and was still confused. So I thought I would ask my supervisor. So I walked over to her desk and asked her if a Prosthetic Head would be covered, that I had a lady on the phone wondering if she could get one. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Leroy...if she needed a prosthetic head how did she even call you? I think you should get her to clarify." That did make sense. So I went back on the phone.

"Mrs. Jackaby thanks for holding for me. I spoke with my manager and she was wondering how you called into us if you need a fake or prosthetic head."
"Leroy I said Cranial Prosthesis..."
"Yes mam, your Cranium is your head."
"Oh...well I must be confused maybe its called something else. It goes ontop of your head and replaces your hair."
"Right the scientific term for that is a wig..."
"Well...yes I guess your right."
"Yeah I'm sorry Mrs. Jackaby a wig is not covered unfer your benefits..."
"So you cover Viagra but you wont cover a damn wig?!"
"Actually no Mrs. Jackaby we would not cover viagra for you either, since your a female."
"Smart ass..." Then she hung up.

Well if anyone knows someone with a prosthetic head let me know, I would really like to check that out. -Leroy

Fat Farm

I like fat people. They can almost get away with anything, if a fat guy farts in the elevator nobody is going to say anything for fear hes holding back a real one. A fat person can get in one of those scooters at walmart and other grocery stores and no one gives it a second glance. Fat people can eat whatever they want in whatever quantities they want without feeling guilty. And if your a fat person you can get out of most anything. Fat people also have their own very tight knit circle of friends.

I'm a half breed, I am just fat enough to fit into most of the fat culture but not so huge that a skinny person wont shake my hand or give me a hug for fear of being pressed up to a man tit. But what I don't get is this mad rush to get surgery to become skinny. Im talking about the gastric bypass, it's where they turn your stomach into about the size of a Wendy's Small frosty and you can only eat about 4 mouthfuls of food. I don't see how someone could torture themselves that way. Maybe its for health reasons...but just think of the benefits your giving up! And somtimes the results are not what people expected, just ask Sue.

Sue called me and had had the gastric bypass almost a year back. She had lost a ton of weight and was feeling a lot better. The problem when you lose weight that much you get rid of the fat, but that stretched out skin remains. Sue was calling to see why her "tummy tuck" was denied and I was forced to help her...
"Top of the morning, this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
" Yessir this is Sue, I was calling to get a better understandin on why my tummy tuck was denied."
"Thats no problem Sue I'll research it and be right back, please hold.."
So I pulled up the information and could see that she met all of the medical criteria except one part. Her excess skin has to go past the pubis for it to be considered under medical benefits. Well there is only one way we can verify that! Pictures! So I had to scroll through them just to make sure. So I pulled the first one up and closed it almost immediately just giving myself a glance so my retinas wouldn't be burned out.
"Well Sue the reason the tummy tuck is being denied at this time is because the pictures we have received doesnt show the excess skin goes past the pubis."
"Well I sure can't see my privates! It's a shame yall paid for my gastro bypass and now I got three sets of titties and you wont help me out! I don't even have a pair of pannies I can stuff all this in!"
I was totally and utterly caught unaware by this womans response. And had to really think it through before I replied.
"Well Sue, acording to our medical review staff we need pictures showing it goes past the pubis, I see where you met all the other criteria but we just need these pictures." I felt so dirty....
"Well yeah I meet the other criteria, I got this awful rash that flares up. And damn it stinks when it starts getting a little hot on days like today, guess its all the skin just rubbin rubbin rubbin."
At this point I was slapping myself in the face just trying not to get a mental image of the rubbin rubbin rubbin...
"Right I understand Sue, I really do but all we need are those pictures and we can go back and review it again."
"Leroy, tell me something...are you married?"
"Well, yes mam I am..."
"Would you still love your wife if she had all this excess skin?"
This brought me back to the three sets of boobs comment and just thinking of that and my dear sweet love for my wife (she reads these...) I was able to reply.
"Sure I would still love my wife."
"Well I feel like I don't turn my husband on anymore, you know he just about has to get a hold on it and lift it up so he can get to the..."
"OKAY, thats to much information Sue, I am empathetic to your situation but I don't see how that has to do with you getting these pictures to us."
"Well your prolly right but being a man I thought you could understand how this hurts the relationship between me and my husband, I mean damn it looks like sails flappin in the wind..."
"Okay Sue here is the Mailing address to where you needa send those too, if you have anymore quenstions about why this denied give me a call back. Have a good Day!"
"Well Alright thanks for listening to me Leroy sorry if I got to hot and heavy for you."

I promptly disconnected the call and threw up in the trash can next to my desk. I prayed for forgiveness of my sins because surely God was punishing me for something awful to let that call come through to me. Anyways the calls keep coming and the fun never stops! Check back often and leave comments to appease my ego. -Leroy

Jack and Jill Fell Down the Hill

Everyday I take anywhere from 80 to 120 calls, and usually they are people I have never talked to before. So I feel like I get a pretty good sampling of everyone who is in our fair country and I am sorry to say but the vast majority of people in this world lack common sense and are retarded. No offense to the vast majority. Now maybe I am wrong, maybe only the not so mentally gifted call me because they have more of a hard time understanding things and really need to ask these stupid questions. Thats fine, that is what I am here for.
I actually had a call today where the person called and said, "You know what...I answered my own question while I was on hold, nevermind, have a good day, goodbye!." I didnt even get a chance to respond but if I had I would have responded like this, " Why the hell didnt you hang up when you figured it out then?." I have even had people ask me for the phone number they just dialed to get me, I'm dead serious. I also had a woman today argue with me for 5 minutes that $2000.00 - $1196.00 = $4.00.
Then Jack called me about his daughter Jill. See Jill turned 21 this year and went down to Panama City for Springbreak with some friends from college. Since she is a full time student she is able to stay on Daddy's insurance. So when Daddy got an 800$ bill for an emergency room visit he was flabergasted at the expense. So I asked him why she went to the emergency room, he responded, "She was outside her hotel room with some friends when these two guys walked up and the two guys were arguing and all of a sudden got into a fight, one on the guys pushed the other one into my daughter and she was knocked down the stairs and had some serious injuries and her friends took her to the emergency room. I am only supposed to have a 50$ copay for an emergency room visit can you explain why I have an 800$ bill?"
" Sure hold just a moment for me sir."
So I pulled the claim up and noticed exactly what had happened as soon as I saw the claim. I knew that this wasn't going to be pretty and the only way I could tell Jack what really happened to Jill was if she gave me permission. But from looking at the claim there was no way in hell Jill was going to let me tell her father what really happened. So I went back in expecting the fury and wrath of Jack...
"Well sir I can only release information on this claim if your daughter gives me permission."
"Oh we are on speaker phone and she is right here go ahead honey..."
Jill: "Yeah it's cool go ahead and tell my Dad whats wrong with the claim.."
Me: So I confirmed it was her...DoB, Address, Social Etc... then say "So are you SURE its okay for me to release this to your dad?"
Jill: "Yeah I'm good."
Me: "Well Mr. Jack the reason this claim is processing this way is because of the diagnosis submitted on the claim, because it was related to substance abuse of alcohol it processed under ..."
Jill: "OH SHIT HOW DID HE KNOW THAT!?"
Jack: "Jill how did you fall down the stairs again?!"
Jill: "Oh God...Dad...I was..." *Click*

Please pray for Jill tonight when you go to bed and always think before you speak. -Leroy

Moment of Silence

I have discovered there are two types of the "Moment of Silence." The first one is a moment of silent reverence for maybe a dead relative, a special day, or a great bowel movement. The second one is more like a guffaw. Where something so hideous or unexpected happens that everything goes silent, jaws drop, and people stare. This is my favorite moment of silence.
Anyone and everyone has experienced a guffaw. The ones I remember are embedded in my memory and unfortunately cannot be erased. For a time I worked in retail at a sporting goods store. It was two levels and we had an escalator in the middle of the store taking people to the top. Some idiot decided we should put buggies next to the escalator where people could get one without having to go all the way to the front of the store. Well one day a little old lady was trying to get a buggy out of the stack and somehow sat on the escalator belt (the one that acts as a moving handrail) and is suddenly on the ride of her life. She only got up about 5 foot up before she panicked and dropped butt first into a buggy. That part alone would have earned a good guffaw in my book but the fact that she was wearing a dress and was baring all her glory left the whole store with jaw dropped and staring as if they were witnessing a train wreck.
There isn't a whole lot that leaves me in a state of guffaw anymore at work. I've heard it all from sex changes, drowning genetetalia, to 60 year old Boob jobs and prosthetic wangs. But Dick caught me off guard on a slow day. The call started off okay then just got weird:
"Good morning! My name is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Good morning this is Dick, I was calling to check on my benefits for a certain procedure."
"Okay Dicks what's your date of birth so I can verify its you?"
At this point I had pulled up his information and noticed something very strange Dick was a man, and he had a male spouse on his contract named Rod. I had already had a little blip on the gaydar from the name Dick and the slight lisp and feminine voice. But my Gaydar broke when I saw this.
"Sure here's my Date of birth...(gives DoB..)"
"Alright Sir, (I cant call him Dick anymore at this point...) what was that procedure you wanted to check on?"
" I need to see if a routine colonoscopy is covered."
Here is where the guffaw came into play. First thing that came into my mind is how the hell did I get this call. The second thing that came into my mind is how perfect of a gay couples name is Dick and Rod? The third and final thing that came to my mind is, do I have enough hand sanatizer? So after about 2-3 minutes of silence I was finally able to finish the call and move on to the throwing up.

Until next time, Leroy!

Leroy and Jesus

I try to be a good Christian and read my bible and pray to God as much
as possible. I generally go to church on Sundays and I actively believe
Jesus is my savior. Living in the bible belt of Alabama, church was a
large part of our life. I was saved at summer church camp and was
dragged in and out of church by my mother my whole life. I grew up in
church making friends with people in my youth group. But something I
just realized is I have never experienced a miracle.
Apparently miracles happen in all sorts of strange and mysterious
ways. Mother Mary can be seen in a peice of cheese toast on Ebay, Jesus
is sighted in many a mildew stain on basement walls, and even the
condensation/tears on a statue have brought healing to plantars warts
and other great ailments. As a kid I always prayed for what I thought a
miracle was, like an A on my test, a million dollars buried in the
backyard, and I specifically remember asking for Jesus to talk to me
outloud.
Every morning when I come in to work I turn my computer on, adjust
my chair, and pray. I ask that Jesus help me with all my calls, I ask
that he give me peace of mind and a spirit of calmness when I talk to
our subscribers. Then I sign into the phone and start taking calls. One
morning Jesus called me about his insurance. ( This is something even as
I wrote it I had to sit and stew on it a minute...its a very profound
statement. )
Yes I know what your thinking, a spanish man with the name Jesus
(heyzeus) Martinez called me and had a question. But that is not the
case, Jesus called me and wanted to know if a surgical procedure to
remove his galbladder was covered. Here's how it went:
"Good morning my name is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Good morning my name is Jesus and I work for Home Depot I need to
check and see if a procedure is covered."
When we talk to customer for grading purpose there can not be a
period of silence greater than 20 seconds. I'm glad I did not get graded
on this call because there had to be 2 minutes of silence at this point.
"Well....... Jesus... what is your last name so I can verify your
benefits?"
"Oh just call me Jesus"
"And what is your mother's first name?"
"Umm is that really pertinent to my question?"
At this point I was bound and determined to find out if this was the real Jesus.
"No, Jesus your correct, I have to verify that on other contracts, thats my mistake. (But he would know that wouldn't he?) What is the surgical procedure your having?"
"It will be a surgical procedure to remove my gallbladder."
"Yeah that would be considered under your out-patient surgery benefits, Jesus, may I have your telephone number for our records?"
"Listen Leroy, I am not here to help you...you are here to help me. I just need you to help me when I ask okay?"
Jesus needed me to help him, like the great commision! I was to take his gospel around the world and share it from one nation to the next!! I was to be a missionary for Jesus! And he had just called and told me, himself!
"So was there anything else I can help you with, Jesus?"
"Actually there is one more thing, I need a colonoscopy and a colon cleansing what are my benefits for that?"
Then it hit me, why would Jesus need a colonoscopy?

Jesus my ass...

Well hope this makes up for my absence, the calls keep coming and the fun never stops, until next time! - Leroy

Mother Goose and my Golden Eggs

When I was a young boy I used to go to the state park for a summer
program. Basically my mom would drop me off and go to work and come and
pick me up after. I experienced several firsts and learned many of
life's lessons while at the camp. For example I had my first kiss at
this camp, my first case of dehydration, and I learned to watch where
you walk because horses will drop a load anywhere and it goes ankle
deep. But one of the most important lessons I learned is hell hath no
fury like a womans scorn, particularly women that are mothers.
There was a huge lake all around the park and me and the gang always
sat at a picnic table on the back end of the lake. As we were eating
lunch one day I walked down by the edge of the lake and walked around it
eating my sandwich and throwing the crust to the fish. I came upon a
large cluster of bushes and a flash of white caught my eye on the ground
around them. On the ground were about 3 of the biggest eggs I had ever
seen. Being the retard I was I decided to take one back to show my
friends. My finger had just touched the egg at the bushes exploded and
the biggest goose I had ever seen came right at me knocking me flat on
my back. This is where I also learned another important lesson, that
women go for the weakest part on a man first.
With a raging honk and the thunder of flapping wings, the goose bit me
in the nuts. At this point I saw a flash of white pain and then
blackness. I came awake a few moments later at the picnic table with my
friends, they had ran off the goose and pretty much saved my life and
the life of my future children. I had no friends to save me
yesterday...
Our wonderful government in the interest of protecting its citizens has
made it where I cannot release private health information over the
telephone, even if its for the person calling me. And I especially cant
release any information to anyone that is not on the contract. This
cause a lot of frustration and anger on the customers end, which I
sympathize with because I take the heat from these calls.
Mrs. Johnson called me yesterday, the first thing I noticed was she was
not on the contract, so I asked what her relationhip to Mr. Smith was,
her reply was:
"I was his lova, and I had his babies! And I need to axe a question on
ma babies!"
"Well Mrs. Johnson just so you know due to HIPPA privacy laws I can
only release general information regarding the subscribers on the
contract, so how can I help you today?"
"Aww hell naw, you telling me I can't find out about MY babies? I was
in labor for 7 hours cause he passed down his big headedness and you
telling me I cant axe a quarstion about MY Babies?!"
"No mam, you can ask a question about the children on the contract but
i can't give you Private information on the children."
"Oh okay...What I want to know is if my daughter is on birth
control...because I am afraid she is sleeping around and I dont want her
having to marry some idiot like I did."
"Yeah im sorry Mrs. Johnson but i can't tell you if she is on birth
control or not, That is private health information."
"Oh hell naw, you gonna tell me and you gonna tell me right now. Now go
ahead tell me, yes or no."
"I cant tell you.."
"Yes you can and you will."
"I really can't mam due to privacy laws."
"I don't care about no George Bush's damn laws! I voted for him on
accident the first time he was president but I sho didnt vote for him
last time, now tell me if my daughter is on birth control."
"I'm sorry mam but I can't release that information."
"Well I think that is a pile of &^%$ and just so you know, Jesus doesnt
love you and you gonna burn in hell!"

Just remember the next time you mess with a mother's baby, they know
what Jesus thinks and Jesus doesnt like HIPPA privacy laws. -Leroy

Help, my boys are Drowning!

In this crazy world of insurance there are questions that should not be asked. But because of the wonderful invention of the phone you can ask customer service representatives just about anything and get away with it. Epescially since they will more than likely never meet you. Little do these people realize that most Customer Service agents have all of your personal information right there in front of them. Like your address, phone, email, spouses name, etc.
This is something Mr. Tucker probably did not know when he called me a while back. Most people when they call about health insurance benefits are usually not feeling well, why else would they call? So they are usually grumpy and short with their answers and questions and just want to get their information and get off the phone. I understand, I would probably feel the same way, but another problem is sometimes they give to much information. So here is how the conversation went:
"Good afternoon my name is Leroy, may I have you name please?"
"Yeah this is Mr. Tucker."
"And How are you today sir?"
"Not good."
"Well I am sorry to hear that, how can I help you today?"
"Well I need to see if something is covered, I need a toilet seat extension."
"Like to raise the seat or extend it out?"
"To raise it up, probably about a foot."
"Alright I'll check that for you, im going to put you on hold now, I'll be right back"
So I went through his benefits and I finally found it under toilet booster. And it just so happened there was certain medical criteria that had to be met before it was covered. You either had to be disabled in the legs where it was hard to get up from a low seat or if it made it easier to move from a wheel chair to the toilet easier. So i figured for sure Mr. Tucker fit into one of these categories, but just to be sure before I told him it would be covered I had to ask him what his medical diagnosis was. So I went back on the line:
"Hey Mr. Tucker, this is genrally considered under your benefits but to be sure I need to know what diagnosis it is for."
"Like why do I need it?"
"Yes sir."
"Well I need it cause when I take a dump by balls hang down in the water!"
Have you ever been in one of those situations where you sit and stare at something you shouldnt just because its on the scale of a train wreck? This call was a lot like that except I just sat there in silence and ran it through me head over and over, until I finally realized that he really did say it. Well there wasnt much after that, I asked him to hold so I could politely not laugh in his face. Then I went back and told him unfortunately that would not be covered. That maybe he would just want to get a floatie for them.

Well the calls are coming and the fun never stops, until next time, this is Leroy....signing out.

Leroy the Hymenator

Anything goes in the world of Health Insurance customer service. A while back I received a call from a newly married young girl name Angela. Angela was at first wary in talking to a guy about her particular problem but I advised her that I get all types of calls a day and I'm sure that I've heard worse. Little did I know how wrong I was. Here is basically how the call went:
"Good morning my name is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"Yes my name is Angela and I have a question on if something is covered under my health insurance."
"Oh Sure I'd be happy to help you today Angela, what is the procedure?"
"Well...I wish I had gotten a female representative this is kind of personal..."
So I thought it had something to do with her boobs or a pap smear or something.
"Well its okay Angela I promise you that I have heard much worse and I'd be happy to check on the procedure."
"Well....Okay I need to see if a Surgical Procedure to remove the Hymen is covered."
" Alright no problem I'll check right into that, do you mind holding?"
"No thats fine."
So I put her on hold and thought to myself, what the hell is a Hymen. So I pull out my trusty Medical Dictionary and proceed to look it up. Well I am not one to read deeply into things so I looked at the first line and here's what it said:
"hymen:
1. A fabulous deity; according to some, the son of Apollo and Urania, according to others, of Bacchus and Venus. He was the god of marriage, and presided over nuptial solemnities. "Till Hymen brought his love-delighted hour, There dwelt no joy in Eden's rosy bower."
This leaves me in quite a state of confusion because for some reason I am thinking she has the Son of Apollo and Urania inside her somewhere and we really need to get them the freak out! So I decide that I will go back on the line with her and get some more information.
"Thanks for holding for me Angela, I'm sorry but I may need a little more explanation on what the procedure entails and the reasons you need to have it."
"Well I just got married and when me and my husband are together it causes quite a lot of discomfort because its unusually thick and he can't break it."
"Okay that makes sense it will be just a moment longer, I'm going to put you on hold again."
So I put her on hold and now I am more confused than ever. So at this point I am thinking a Hymen is some type of boil or something on her and her husband cant pop it or whatever. So I decide that I should go and talk to my supervisor and ask her maybe she has dealt with this situation before. So I walk over to HER and ask HER in my normally loud voice, "Lisa what is a Hymen?" Well her eyes got quite large and her face turned really red as she started talking about a woman losing her flower when she got married. And in my head I'm like yeah, what bride doesn't throw her bouquet? She sees that I'm not understanding very well and she told me to go rad more of the definition in my medical dictionary. So I go back to my desk and pull it out and read what was under the rest:
"Hymen:
<anatomy> A fold of muscous membrane often found at the orifice of the vagina; the vaginal membrane. "
This definition alone left me flabbergasted and totally embarrassed to even be living. This is where I had to make an adult decision. See I am not usually good with Adult Decisions. There were two ways this conversation could go and I had to think which one would be the correct choice.

1.) I could come back on the line and say, " Well congratulations on your recent marriage Angela, this procedure would be covered under your outpatient benefits with a 50$ copay. Have a good day!"

2.) Or what my heart really told me to say. "Well thanks for holding Angela, I have great news. This procedure wont cost you a thing. All you have to do is give me your Address and Phone Number and Leroy the Hymenator will be right over to take care of that for you."

For my jobs sake I sadly chose option number one, and regret everyday the death of Leroy the Hymenator.
Well the calls keep coming and the fun never stops, until next time! -Leroy the Customer Service Rep.

Help me Baby Jesus!

Everyday I pray for Jesus to come back. I pray for him take me away from this Hell on earth and leave all my customers behind. Atleast there isn't any health insurance in heaven, since everyone is already dead it kind of defeats the purpose. But unfortunately Jesus has not come back yet and I am still sitting here with this headset on my head talking to a Wal-Mart employee about why we wont pay more than 60 dollars to have her boobs scanned.
Maybe healthcare is so expensive because beautiful people must not have to go to the doctor as much, maybe our fees are higher because of that fat hairy guy who needed a prostate exam. Maybe the cost of healthcare is rising because of senior citizen pap smears. This very well may be the case but the finger is usually pointed directly at me. When someone calls and asks why they have to pay a 200 dollar deductible for a colonoscopy, should I say, " Well Miss Tutleburg, it could be the fact that they are using two gurneys for your procedure since you can't fit on the one. " Nope, Probably shouldn't say that, I wouldn't be able to write about Customer Service experiences if I ever said that now would I?
See that's the problem with customer service, subscribers can call and say any and everything to us but we must maintain courtesy and empathy. And we are not allowed to hang up on people either, unless they are slandering us specifically. For example anyone over the age of 22 hate the automated voice systems and want to talk to a "real person." So when they finally do reach one of us real persons we are berated on how bad the voice response system sucks. This provides for much comedy on our end. especially when they are cursing out the VRU (Voice Response System) and are transferred to us and we pick up the conversation. Just the other day Mr. Johnson called us and was yelling at the VRU as he was transferred to me, this is how the conversation went:
"CAN I *&%$ing TALK TO A REAL PERSON!!!!"
"Oh, good morning my name is Leroy I am a real person, may I have your name please?"
"Yes my name is Mr. Johnson, did you hear any of my previous statement Mr. Roy?"
"Actually yes sir I did hear the entire statement and I apologize for the trouble you had with our VRU."

Here is how I wish it went:
"CAN I *&%$ing TALK TO A REAL PERSON!!!!"
"Oh good morning, my name is C3LeeRoy, human Cyborg Relations, I am sorry but our company does not employ "real people" this insurance company is totally run by genetically and technologically enhanced humans. Unfortunately there is not a "real person" available to take your call. But I am equipped with Artificial Intelligence and would be happy to assist you at this time. May I have your name please?"

Well the calls keep coming and the fun never stops so until next time this is Leroy your friendly Health insurance Customer Service Rep.