Fat Farm

I like fat people. They can almost get away with anything, if a fat guy farts in the elevator nobody is going to say anything for fear hes holding back a real one. A fat person can get in one of those scooters at walmart and other grocery stores and no one gives it a second glance. Fat people can eat whatever they want in whatever quantities they want without feeling guilty. And if your a fat person you can get out of most anything. Fat people also have their own very tight knit circle of friends.

I'm a half breed, I am just fat enough to fit into most of the fat culture but not so huge that a skinny person wont shake my hand or give me a hug for fear of being pressed up to a man tit. But what I don't get is this mad rush to get surgery to become skinny. Im talking about the gastric bypass, it's where they turn your stomach into about the size of a Wendy's Small frosty and you can only eat about 4 mouthfuls of food. I don't see how someone could torture themselves that way. Maybe its for health reasons...but just think of the benefits your giving up! And somtimes the results are not what people expected, just ask Sue.

Sue called me and had had the gastric bypass almost a year back. She had lost a ton of weight and was feeling a lot better. The problem when you lose weight that much you get rid of the fat, but that stretched out skin remains. Sue was calling to see why her "tummy tuck" was denied and I was forced to help her...
"Top of the morning, this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
" Yessir this is Sue, I was calling to get a better understandin on why my tummy tuck was denied."
"Thats no problem Sue I'll research it and be right back, please hold.."
So I pulled up the information and could see that she met all of the medical criteria except one part. Her excess skin has to go past the pubis for it to be considered under medical benefits. Well there is only one way we can verify that! Pictures! So I had to scroll through them just to make sure. So I pulled the first one up and closed it almost immediately just giving myself a glance so my retinas wouldn't be burned out.
"Well Sue the reason the tummy tuck is being denied at this time is because the pictures we have received doesnt show the excess skin goes past the pubis."
"Well I sure can't see my privates! It's a shame yall paid for my gastro bypass and now I got three sets of titties and you wont help me out! I don't even have a pair of pannies I can stuff all this in!"
I was totally and utterly caught unaware by this womans response. And had to really think it through before I replied.
"Well Sue, acording to our medical review staff we need pictures showing it goes past the pubis, I see where you met all the other criteria but we just need these pictures." I felt so dirty....
"Well yeah I meet the other criteria, I got this awful rash that flares up. And damn it stinks when it starts getting a little hot on days like today, guess its all the skin just rubbin rubbin rubbin."
At this point I was slapping myself in the face just trying not to get a mental image of the rubbin rubbin rubbin...
"Right I understand Sue, I really do but all we need are those pictures and we can go back and review it again."
"Leroy, tell me something...are you married?"
"Well, yes mam I am..."
"Would you still love your wife if she had all this excess skin?"
This brought me back to the three sets of boobs comment and just thinking of that and my dear sweet love for my wife (she reads these...) I was able to reply.
"Sure I would still love my wife."
"Well I feel like I don't turn my husband on anymore, you know he just about has to get a hold on it and lift it up so he can get to the..."
"OKAY, thats to much information Sue, I am empathetic to your situation but I don't see how that has to do with you getting these pictures to us."
"Well your prolly right but being a man I thought you could understand how this hurts the relationship between me and my husband, I mean damn it looks like sails flappin in the wind..."
"Okay Sue here is the Mailing address to where you needa send those too, if you have anymore quenstions about why this denied give me a call back. Have a good Day!"
"Well Alright thanks for listening to me Leroy sorry if I got to hot and heavy for you."

I promptly disconnected the call and threw up in the trash can next to my desk. I prayed for forgiveness of my sins because surely God was punishing me for something awful to let that call come through to me. Anyways the calls keep coming and the fun never stops! Check back often and leave comments to appease my ego. -Leroy