Help, my boys are Drowning!

In this crazy world of insurance there are questions that should not be asked. But because of the wonderful invention of the phone you can ask customer service representatives just about anything and get away with it. Epescially since they will more than likely never meet you. Little do these people realize that most Customer Service agents have all of your personal information right there in front of them. Like your address, phone, email, spouses name, etc.
This is something Mr. Tucker probably did not know when he called me a while back. Most people when they call about health insurance benefits are usually not feeling well, why else would they call? So they are usually grumpy and short with their answers and questions and just want to get their information and get off the phone. I understand, I would probably feel the same way, but another problem is sometimes they give to much information. So here is how the conversation went:
"Good afternoon my name is Leroy, may I have you name please?"
"Yeah this is Mr. Tucker."
"And How are you today sir?"
"Not good."
"Well I am sorry to hear that, how can I help you today?"
"Well I need to see if something is covered, I need a toilet seat extension."
"Like to raise the seat or extend it out?"
"To raise it up, probably about a foot."
"Alright I'll check that for you, im going to put you on hold now, I'll be right back"
So I went through his benefits and I finally found it under toilet booster. And it just so happened there was certain medical criteria that had to be met before it was covered. You either had to be disabled in the legs where it was hard to get up from a low seat or if it made it easier to move from a wheel chair to the toilet easier. So i figured for sure Mr. Tucker fit into one of these categories, but just to be sure before I told him it would be covered I had to ask him what his medical diagnosis was. So I went back on the line:
"Hey Mr. Tucker, this is genrally considered under your benefits but to be sure I need to know what diagnosis it is for."
"Like why do I need it?"
"Yes sir."
"Well I need it cause when I take a dump by balls hang down in the water!"
Have you ever been in one of those situations where you sit and stare at something you shouldnt just because its on the scale of a train wreck? This call was a lot like that except I just sat there in silence and ran it through me head over and over, until I finally realized that he really did say it. Well there wasnt much after that, I asked him to hold so I could politely not laugh in his face. Then I went back and told him unfortunately that would not be covered. That maybe he would just want to get a floatie for them.

Well the calls are coming and the fun never stops, until next time, this is Leroy....signing out.

Leroy the Hymenator

Anything goes in the world of Health Insurance customer service. A while back I received a call from a newly married young girl name Angela. Angela was at first wary in talking to a guy about her particular problem but I advised her that I get all types of calls a day and I'm sure that I've heard worse. Little did I know how wrong I was. Here is basically how the call went:
"Good morning my name is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"Yes my name is Angela and I have a question on if something is covered under my health insurance."
"Oh Sure I'd be happy to help you today Angela, what is the procedure?"
"Well...I wish I had gotten a female representative this is kind of personal..."
So I thought it had something to do with her boobs or a pap smear or something.
"Well its okay Angela I promise you that I have heard much worse and I'd be happy to check on the procedure."
"Well....Okay I need to see if a Surgical Procedure to remove the Hymen is covered."
" Alright no problem I'll check right into that, do you mind holding?"
"No thats fine."
So I put her on hold and thought to myself, what the hell is a Hymen. So I pull out my trusty Medical Dictionary and proceed to look it up. Well I am not one to read deeply into things so I looked at the first line and here's what it said:
"hymen:
1. A fabulous deity; according to some, the son of Apollo and Urania, according to others, of Bacchus and Venus. He was the god of marriage, and presided over nuptial solemnities. "Till Hymen brought his love-delighted hour, There dwelt no joy in Eden's rosy bower."
This leaves me in quite a state of confusion because for some reason I am thinking she has the Son of Apollo and Urania inside her somewhere and we really need to get them the freak out! So I decide that I will go back on the line with her and get some more information.
"Thanks for holding for me Angela, I'm sorry but I may need a little more explanation on what the procedure entails and the reasons you need to have it."
"Well I just got married and when me and my husband are together it causes quite a lot of discomfort because its unusually thick and he can't break it."
"Okay that makes sense it will be just a moment longer, I'm going to put you on hold again."
So I put her on hold and now I am more confused than ever. So at this point I am thinking a Hymen is some type of boil or something on her and her husband cant pop it or whatever. So I decide that I should go and talk to my supervisor and ask her maybe she has dealt with this situation before. So I walk over to HER and ask HER in my normally loud voice, "Lisa what is a Hymen?" Well her eyes got quite large and her face turned really red as she started talking about a woman losing her flower when she got married. And in my head I'm like yeah, what bride doesn't throw her bouquet? She sees that I'm not understanding very well and she told me to go rad more of the definition in my medical dictionary. So I go back to my desk and pull it out and read what was under the rest:
"Hymen:
<anatomy> A fold of muscous membrane often found at the orifice of the vagina; the vaginal membrane. "
This definition alone left me flabbergasted and totally embarrassed to even be living. This is where I had to make an adult decision. See I am not usually good with Adult Decisions. There were two ways this conversation could go and I had to think which one would be the correct choice.

1.) I could come back on the line and say, " Well congratulations on your recent marriage Angela, this procedure would be covered under your outpatient benefits with a 50$ copay. Have a good day!"

2.) Or what my heart really told me to say. "Well thanks for holding Angela, I have great news. This procedure wont cost you a thing. All you have to do is give me your Address and Phone Number and Leroy the Hymenator will be right over to take care of that for you."

For my jobs sake I sadly chose option number one, and regret everyday the death of Leroy the Hymenator.
Well the calls keep coming and the fun never stops, until next time! -Leroy the Customer Service Rep.

Help me Baby Jesus!

Everyday I pray for Jesus to come back. I pray for him take me away from this Hell on earth and leave all my customers behind. Atleast there isn't any health insurance in heaven, since everyone is already dead it kind of defeats the purpose. But unfortunately Jesus has not come back yet and I am still sitting here with this headset on my head talking to a Wal-Mart employee about why we wont pay more than 60 dollars to have her boobs scanned.
Maybe healthcare is so expensive because beautiful people must not have to go to the doctor as much, maybe our fees are higher because of that fat hairy guy who needed a prostate exam. Maybe the cost of healthcare is rising because of senior citizen pap smears. This very well may be the case but the finger is usually pointed directly at me. When someone calls and asks why they have to pay a 200 dollar deductible for a colonoscopy, should I say, " Well Miss Tutleburg, it could be the fact that they are using two gurneys for your procedure since you can't fit on the one. " Nope, Probably shouldn't say that, I wouldn't be able to write about Customer Service experiences if I ever said that now would I?
See that's the problem with customer service, subscribers can call and say any and everything to us but we must maintain courtesy and empathy. And we are not allowed to hang up on people either, unless they are slandering us specifically. For example anyone over the age of 22 hate the automated voice systems and want to talk to a "real person." So when they finally do reach one of us real persons we are berated on how bad the voice response system sucks. This provides for much comedy on our end. especially when they are cursing out the VRU (Voice Response System) and are transferred to us and we pick up the conversation. Just the other day Mr. Johnson called us and was yelling at the VRU as he was transferred to me, this is how the conversation went:
"CAN I *&%$ing TALK TO A REAL PERSON!!!!"
"Oh, good morning my name is Leroy I am a real person, may I have your name please?"
"Yes my name is Mr. Johnson, did you hear any of my previous statement Mr. Roy?"
"Actually yes sir I did hear the entire statement and I apologize for the trouble you had with our VRU."

Here is how I wish it went:
"CAN I *&%$ing TALK TO A REAL PERSON!!!!"
"Oh good morning, my name is C3LeeRoy, human Cyborg Relations, I am sorry but our company does not employ "real people" this insurance company is totally run by genetically and technologically enhanced humans. Unfortunately there is not a "real person" available to take your call. But I am equipped with Artificial Intelligence and would be happy to assist you at this time. May I have your name please?"

Well the calls keep coming and the fun never stops so until next time this is Leroy your friendly Health insurance Customer Service Rep.