Tuesday, July 18, 2006

C3-Leroy, Human Cyborg Relations

In 1876, at the age of 29, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. At this same time the war began, an underground war, a war between Customer Service Reps and their customers. The battles have raged on and on with wins and losses on each side, and it seems like the casualties in this war will forever be piled high and continue to grow. These battles are fought with words , canny thinking, and recordings for quality assurance. In our office we have tried to reduce the human casualties by placing anamatronic voice response units (VRUs) on the front line and to let us pick off the straglers as they get past. Sometimes the battle with the VRUs can be devestating to a customer and they will still believe they are fighting them even when they are connected to the Customer Service Rep, Special Forces.

Mrs. Johnson calls in...
"Good Morning this is Leroy, May I have your contract number please?"
In response the person punches in their contract number on the phone, I wait patiently for them to finish.
"Hello, I am not a computer, May I please have your contract number please?"
Once again...punched the numbers in...
"Hello!?"
"Oh, Hi..."
"How are you today?"
" I'm good, thanks."
"May I have your contract number please?"
Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep... Please tell me this is not for real, I was seriously 9 beeps away from slamming my head on the desk and ending it all. Then I thought...maybe this is some new tactic by the customers to have the Reps self destruct. Surely not..
"Mam, I am not a computer, I am a living breathing human being that does not have the compatability to understand the numbers you are punching in, Please give me your contract number or social security number verbally."
"Beep Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Boop." Now I know it may seem like she punched in the numbers again, but no....she made the noises with her mouth.
Score, 1 Customer, 0 Leroy.

Until next time,
Leroy, First Seargent of Special Forces CSR 3rd Division, Awarded the Purple Headset for Valor in the Line of Duty.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Ultimate Chair

Everyone has a hobby, something that they do strictly because the enjoy doing it, not because they have to. My hobby is playing computer games, specificaly Massive Multiplayer Online Games. Games that connect to the internet and you play and interact with millions of people all over the world. I have met a lot of people on these games and have even established some lifelong friendships with people I have met. The only problem with these games is they require a lot of time to be succesful in your endeavors. So that is a lot of time sitting in a chair.

One day at work a miracle came to me in the form of an 82 year old man who couldnt walk to the bathroom. This is how the conversation went:

" Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"This is George Georgerson born in 1897 and survivor of WWI and WWII where I was a tailgunner on a submarine in Natzi controlled Antarctica. I need to see if a Commode Chair is covered, I can't make it to the pisser."
"I'm sorry sir but im not familiar with the term Commode Chair, can you describe its purpouse?"
"We'll its a chair with a toilet built into it, so I dont have to get up to go."

How in the world had I never heard of these before?! This could be one of the greatest inventions of all time and I didn't even know about it! So I check for Mr. Georgerson and let him know it was indeed covered and then I thanked him for passing the information along to me that I was consdiering getting one myself. So I went home with thoughts of Dancing Commode chairs in my head. I looked up commode chairs on the internet and was suprised at how comfortable they looked, and if I put wheels on the legs combined with my hardwood floors I would never have to get up ever again!

And I always think so much better on the toilet anyways, this way I will be that much more focused all the time! Maybe I need one at work too... Until next time,

Leroy

Friday, July 14, 2006

Prince Leroy's Fairy Godfather

I know that most everyone has seen the Disney movies where the fair princess is in some dire need of Designer name shoes and a kick butt cairage. These wishes are usually fulfilled by the Fairy Godmother, who swoops in just in time to turn unwilling animals into designer wear and beasts of burden. Well I was at my parents house the other night eating dinner and conversing over this and that when it struck me. Who was my Godfather? No not my Italian Mafia boss, thats Joey Soprana, I'm talking about the person that if something happened to my parents when I was a child who would have taken care of me. So I asked...

"Hey Dad, who is my Godfather?"
"Joey Soprana."
"No Dad, not my mob boss, who did you designate as my Godfather when I was born?"
"Well...uhh.. it was one of our friends growing up in school."
"Oh what was his name?"
"Ro*mumble mumble*y"
"I'm sorry Dad I couldn't quite make that out..."
"Ronnie.."
"Oh yeah he was like yours and mom's best friend for a long time, I remember yall talking about him."
So I went on with the meal and I remembered exactly what my mom and dad talked about back when they talked about Ronnie.
"HEY! My Godfather is GAY!"
"Sorry son, we didnt know he was at the time.."
"I have a Fairy Godfather!"

I didnt know what to do with this information, on one hand it may be a good thing. Like I could wish for a new car, but it would probably end up being a purple VW Bug. I could ask for some new clothes, but they would be focused on making my ghetto booty look good. Yeah after further consideration I could not see where this would be a good thing. As a matter of fact if I wasn't careful I could end up butt deep in gayness.

This seems to happen anyways. At work I always get these gay couples calling me and talking to me about their sex life or things to help their sex life. First, how is it gay couples can't get married but they can be put on one anothers insurance. I think the HR person just doesnt want to get sued. I had a guy call today and wanted to know why we wouldn't cover Viagra for his "significant other." And it occured to me, is this really a problem that gay men face? If one is having problems rising to the occasion, can't he just swap positions?

I still havn't asked who my Godmother is, I'm afraid it may be my Mom's cocker spaniel. Until next time, Leroy!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

If Mamma ain't Happy, Ain't nobody happy!

My mom beat me as a small child, now granted 98% of it was deserved. I was a horrible child growing up and a thorn in my mothers side until about the 3rd grade. I have a little brother named J.T. and my neighbor Hunter and I tortured my poor brother growing up. We lived in a rural area and we played outside all the time, in the driveways, in the woods, and in the barn. It was simple but fulfilling childhood, but me and Hunter were very michevious and did several things to my brother.

For instance one time we tied a rope to the tire swing and would pull it way up in the air and let go. My brother thought this was awesome and he begged us to try it out. So we let him and we pulled and pulled and pulled until he was almost in the treetops. And then we tied the rope to a tree and left JT in the trees for about 4-5 hours. Another time we took two halves of a 55 gallon plastic drum smashed them together and rolled him down a very large hill, when he finally pushed himself out he threw up, he has a very weak stomach. We also held him down and stringed spit towards his face and slurped it up right before it touched his face, this also induced vomitting. And my personal favorite was when we used one of Dad's suit jacket coat hangers ran it through his shirt and hung him in the closet and locked it. My Mom however did not like us "abusing her baby," and this is usually where I was beaten by my Mom.

Regular Moms are quick to anger but an actual pregnant woman is a ticking time bomb waiting to rip someones head off and devour the inards. Delilah sits next to me at work and she is currently 8 months pregnant and showing. She has to be one of the sweetest people I have ever known. She is really timid and shy and very softspoken, I never hear her talking to someone even thoug shes 5 feet away. Well...someone screwed up bigtime when they pissed off Delilah.

I was sitting there reading my book and waiting for my next call to come in when I hear next to me:
"Oh NO you didn't.. Sir Do you realize you are talking to a pregnant woman? You are gonna call in here and talk this way to me when I am 8 months pregnant? I have already had a hard enough day and I know you are not gonna call and cuss me out before I even offer to help you, that is RUDE!"

My jaw was on my desk and just about every cubicle in my department had the top half of someones head peeking over it wondering when the manager was going to walk over and fire Delilah.

"Well...I am sick of this too, sir! ...Can you talk to my supervisor? I think I need to talk to your supervisor, are you at work? SIR! SIR! SIR! If you say another curse word where my baby can hear it I will hang this phone up right now! (long pause)... Now are you gonna behave? Okay...I accept your apology, that is much better. Now how can I help you today?"

I could not believe what had just happened, I felt like I had witnessed the world coming to an end for Delilah; but what was even more amazing was Delilah let the man talk to our manager after she was finished and he complemented Delilah for helping him out and setting him straight. The next time someone calls and is being rude to me I'm gonna ask to speak to their Mom...until next time,
Leroy

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hold me Gently Part 1

In the customer service world we are graded on our calls in three areas. The first is talk time, which is how long the average of all our calls last, we have to keep this around two minutes and 45 seconds. Second is if we gave them the right information and third is how often we sign off the phone. I am a pro at talk time because I can multi-task really well and I try to never put people on hold.

The problem with never putting people on hold is that they are to used to being put on hold by everyone else in the whole world. So when I say, " Just a second while I pull that up!" They think I am no longer on the phone and won't hear anything they say because there is a few seconds of silence. I often hear very informing information on these slip ups, and they are almost always humorous. I have written a lot of these down and I thought I would share a few periodically.

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"This guy I have on the phone is so daft its not funny... he said Good Morning and its 1:15 here!"
(Yeah...she was two time zones away...didn't wanna break it to here who was really daft)

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Mother $^%&er! C*&^ Sucking! Stupid Hold! Son of a.."
"Thanks for holding for me.."
"Oh No problem, happy to!"

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Hes got me on hold Jerry, lemme show you how you do that, you gotta push it in real hard but dont bend it all up you'll never straighten it back out if you do. Now look! You done yanked it out again!"
"I'm back..."
"Whew that was quick!"

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"This guy is a moron.."
"Yeah the moron is still here."
"Oh shit..."

"Just a second while I pull that up!"
"Doobie Doobie Do...two lonely people...Doobie Doobie do..."
"Strangers in the Night...thats a good song."
"Yeah...I thought I was on hold."
"By all means, continue!"

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Essence of Leroy

Family is a very important thing where I come from, you keep your family close and visit them quite often. I know its strange but I actually enjoy hanging out with my family and even with my in-laws. One thing that is very important to my family is birthdays. They are always big events where the whole family gets together and we eat and eat some more then talk in between bites. Well this past weekend I was at one of these birthday parties for a cousin Trev-Bo, and at this party there were balloon animals, no clowns (thank god), just balloon animals. There was one such ballon animal made in the shape of a long nosed dog. Someone placed this flesh colored balloon dog in the crook of some tree limbs and let him hang up there by his neck.

He stayed up there for quite some time enjoying the sights of the party but then his body exploded due to the agitation of the tree bark. Unfortunately the Long balloon snout and the two egg shaped ears were still hanging up there, and immediately it was noticed that Spot was no longer a Dog...he was a set of male genetalia. This was pointed out quite quickly by Trev-Bo's Uncle, who said, "Dang...them balls are smooth as eggs." There was a few moments of silence then the picnic area erupted with laughter. Then horror struck...Trev-Bo's mom grabbed the "package" and threw it to the ground and began to grind the "package" with her foot. Every male cried out in sudden anguish and the wang popped in brutal finality.

The male gentalia can be quite a funny subject at times, mostly because it is not normaly talked about in people's daily conversation. That is, except mine. Everyday I have to hear about some Paw-Paw needing to get his groove on. Today was no exception when Mr. Brown called in:
"Hello? Hello?"
"Good afternoon my name is Leroy how can I help you today?"
"Oh hey Leroy, I was callin to see if my surgery was approved for my penis implants."
"...well... I can certaintly check, do you mind holding? (Even though there must not be enough to hold...)"
"Sure thing!"
Sure enough the Insurance Fairy had come and touched its magical wand on Mr. Browns Penis wish and he was approved to have the implants. Apparently Mr Brown had so many other problems in like that we had to give him something to "do" in his free time, lucky Mrs. Brown.
"Thanks for holding sir, I checked on the pre-determination and it was approved, you'll receive a letter stating this information."
"Hallelujah, praise Jesus, God Almighty!" I guess if Jesus can be raised from the dead so can parts of Mr. Brown.
"Christmas has come early thank you so much Leroy you have no idea how much this means to me. If I was there I would give you a big ol' hug."
"As long as its before the surgery I'd be happy to give you a hug Mr. Brown, you have a good day and have a fast recovery!"

And so the Legend says that everytime there is a balloon genetalia made a senior citizen gets his jimmy back.