Friday is for Retards

I don't know what it is about Friday, but we always receive the highest volume of retarded people calling in on this day. It never fails I will have these following questions atleast 10-20 times on a Friday, where as on Monday- Thursday I will get these questions 1-5 times.

Retarded Question #1: I see there is a fax number on this form, can I fax it to this number?

No, we put the fax number on the form so you can send us questions, then we'll fax the answer back to you...

Retarded Question #2: When I fax this form in with my receipts, do I need to fax the original receipts?

Yes sir, because we get that actual crumpled yellow peice of paper with the chewing tobacco stains come through the fax machine. It makes me want to ask this question, When you put something in the fax machine it does come back out right?

Retarded Question #3: Im trying to fax this form in to you guys but the line is busy, what should I do?

Keep trying...

Usually I try and be understanding and caring, because I know that people can't know everything about their Medical Savings Account. But the above questions are pretty straight forward and should be able to be answered even before they are spoken. What really gets me is some of these people will call us and hold for 10 minutes before they get one of us and still have this question in their mind.

I know its been a while and there were some rumors I was dead but I am trying to make a comeback, until next time... LEEEEROOOOYYYYY!!!

The Perfect Storm

I honestly feel for any one that had to suffer the effects of Katrina. I had probably hundreds of calls from Katrina victims and people who had family that were victims of Katrina. And from watching that Spike Lee joint I understand that many people are still suffering. With the Medical Savings accounts I handle now for a time we would "forgive" people if they were in a Katrina affected area and had lost their receipts. But a lot of times people like to take advantage of the system.

"Good Morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Yeah dis is Mr. Wilbur, I was callin on that Cafeteria plan, where I got the Visa card and all."
"Right, I'd be happy to help you Mr. Wilbur, whats the problem?"
"We'll I lost some receipts in the hurricane and I need one of those forms so I can get forgiven for them."
"Oh, is this for where you used the card last year and don't have the receipts due to katrina?"
"Yeah that's it."
"Okay sir what was the date of the card swipe?"
"That would be May 27th of 2006 for 20$ and June 3rd for 15$, both at Wally World."
"Well sir..the Hurricane happened well over a year ago, I don't think you lost the receipts because of that."
"Yes I DID!"
"Can you explain how those receipts were lost?"
"When Katrina came it washed away my house and the receipts were in there."
"Sir, Katrina hit in August of 2005 I don't think it washed away your receipts."
"I says it did!"
"Sir do you still live on 555 Made up Road?"
"I've lived there for 5 years!"
"Sir that address is in Missouri, it wasn't directly affected by the hurricane and we won't be able to forgive you for that."
"Dangit, I told Shirley that wouldn't work..."

Maybe Katrina is the reason I can't find matching socks in my house. Until next time, Leroy!

Prince Leroy

I know that you can't sample my illustrius vocal chords by reading this, but just so you know I have a marvelous voice. I am not sure what it is about my voice but women melt at the sound of it, some guys do too...but that is just weird. I try and take my job very seriously and provide the highest level of customer service available, but what happens when someone falls in love with me and I have to gently let them down?

"Good morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"This is Mrs. Marigold, I sure hope you can help me Leroy."
"I'll do everything I can..what is the problem Mrs. Marigold?"
"Well I have a Medical Savings account with you guys and I have forgotten about it and it is getting so close to the end of the year and I have not submitted anything. I am afraid I am going to lose all that money. *sob*"
"Mrs. Marigold...(deep resonant voice...like sex and chocolate) I'm happy to say I can help you. We also handle your insurance so I can pull over those claims and reimburse you your full two-thousand dollars. you'll have it in about 7-10 days."
"*gasp* Leroy!"
"Yes mam?"
"I love you..."
"Sorry Mam, but I am married."
"To bad..I was gonna ask you out for drinks, have a good night Leroy."

Lucky for you all my velvet vochals can't drift through my typing or all of your loins would be frothing for Leroy. Until next time, Leroy.

You can't Escape Leroy!!

Contrary to popular belief there arn't a whole lot of people in my area that takes the kind of calls that I do. So at a certain point in the day where people are on break or leave early it is quite possible I am the only one here. This situation can actually make for a lot of comedy.

"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Well you can get your act together for one thing. I am so sick of yall messing with MY money. MY money not your money, and I want it corrected right now!"
"I'm happy to assist you, whats the problem?"
"Well you are rejecting my claims..I need to know WHY and then I need you to send me a check."
"I'm apologize mam but your insurance canceled as of September 1st, that is why we are rejecting these claims."
"No it didn't cancel...send me my check."
"I'm sorry but it really did cancel."
"No it didn't."
"If it wasn't supposed to cancel you will want to contact your Human Resources with your employer at 1-866-555-5555."
" FINE! I Will call them!!!"
*click*

5 Mins later...

"Good afternoon this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"I am so sick of getting you Leroy...this is Mrs. Bailey."
"Did you call the number I gave you Mrs. Bailey?"
"No because you are going to reinstate my insurance."
"I can't reinstate it mam that has to come from your employer so you will want to call that number I gave you."
"I HATE YOU!"
*click*

3 mins later...
"Good afternoon this is Leroy h-"
"&^%$*# *#@!@*! @#$%!!!!"
"Mrs. Bailey is that you?"
"Yes! And I want your Job!"
"I can assure you that you do not want my job Mrs. Bailey."
"NO! I want you to get fired! You are playing games with me!!"
"All I am doing is answering the phone Mrs. Bailey. Did you call the number I gave you? They can reinstate your insurance..."
"Well I hope they can fire yo &%$ too!!! GOODBYE FOREVER LEROY!"

3 mins later...I WENT HOME! Until next time this is Leroy signing out.

Conartist Grannies

Yesterday on my way home from work I looked down and my gaslight was on. So I turned into the shell station and pulled my car up to the tank. I hopped out took my gas cap off and started pumping. I finished and went inside and paid. When I came out of the gas station there was this feeble old lady standing next to my car with a big smile on her face.

"Excuse me sonny, can you help me?"
"I'll do what I can..whats the matter mam?"
"I don't know how to pump gas, my husband has always done it for me and hes at home sick. Will you pump my gas for me?"

For a minute or two I just stare at the lady. I mean she is like 80+ years old and she has never pumped gas before? And is it really that hard to figure out? If she had said, "Hey I'm an old fart with Athritis and I can't physically do it." Then that I could understand. But never pumped it before?! Something was amiss here...

"Well I'll do a two for one deal. I'll show you how to pump gas while I do it. That sound okay?"
"That would be great. I'm in that Lincoln Town Car over there."
"The one that is like 20 feet long? (the Land Yacht that noone that can't pump gas should be driving?)"
"Yes that's it."

So I mosey on over and start to show her how it's done. This is where Leroy the Customer Service rep really kicked in.

"This is called the gas cap, you work it much like a Mason jar or a jar of Bama Mayonaise. Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey. Repeat that for me."
"Righty Tighty, Left Loosey."
"Good, next you want to remove the Gas pump. Like so...place the shaft into the hole and squeeze it good and tight. When the tank is full it will pop a little bit. Don't be scared. Then you place it back onto the pump and your done. Well ya gotta remember to put the gas cap back on."
"Righty Tighty..Lefty Loosey. Thank you ever so much sir."
"All in a days work!"

And then she gave me a nickle and got in her Land Yacht and left. It wasn't until I was almost home that I realized I forgot to teach her one of the most important lessons in pumping gas.
Paying for it.

So next time you are out pumping gas beware the Conartist Grannies. Until next time, Leroy.

Leroy the Inventor

When I was in middle school we had a contest to see who could come up with a practical and useful invention. I came up with an Automatic Dog Feeder, because at that time I hated tromping out to the dog pen in my underwear and boots just to feed the dogs. So I decided if I only had to fill a bin up once a week it would be a lot better. So I made the thing that would distribute portions of dog food into the bowls beneath them with the pull of a string. It worked great for a while until the dogs learned to pull the string anytime they were hungry.

Later on in life about the time when Listerine Strips became a big thing I thought of a similar invention. Deodorant strips. They work just like Listerine Strips. You pull one out of the pocket size packet and slap it on your armpit and it dissolves and refreshes your deodorant/antiperspirant. So I juggled the idea around for a month or so and tried to figure out how to do it and finally gave up. But it's still funny some of the inventions and especially the infomercials that are constantly coming out. Which brings me to a call I had yesterday...

"Good morning this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Hey Leroy this is Mrs. Darby and I was watching T.V. early this morning and saw something that I wanted to purchase through my insurance."
"Sure we can definately check and see if it's covered or not by your insurance, what is it mam?"
"Well I'm sure it's covered Chuck Norris said most insurances cover it. It's the Total Gym, it has over 80 Excercises I can do, and could supplement my Physical therapy I am taking."
"Well...I'm sorry to say mam but unfortunately that is considered a convenience item and is not covered by your medical insurance."
"But Chuck Norris said it would be covered..."
"Well I agree that Chuck Norris may be a modern medical miracle since I heard he healed someone with a roundhouse kick, and his blood cures AIDS, but unfortunately he is not a medical doctor...and even if it was prescribed by one it would still not be covered."
"Well I am highly upset that this is not covered by my insurance since it would greatly improve my health and probably save you money in the long run."
"I understand your frustration mam but we cannot cover something of that nature. And for future reference we don't cover the Abberciser or the Thighmaster, even when reccomended by a Martial Arts master."
"Well...thanks for nothing Leroy."

Even though he could wipe out 7 generations of my family tree with a roundhouse kick to the face, Chuck Norris is no match for Leroy the Customer Service Rep. Until next time, Leroy!

Saquatch Sighting

Some say I was born with chest hair. I don't know what caused it but I am a pretty hairy man. I'll put it this way...I've been naked before around people and no one has noticed. It's not so bad I feel I need to trim it back or have it surgically removed but it's there none the less. I've jokingly been called Sasquatch by my friends on several occasions but I have never been mistaken as an actual Sasquatch sighting, but I think I talked to one on the phone.

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can I help you today?"
"Hi Leroy, this is Mr. Henderson. You can call me Harry. I need to see if laser hair removal is covered under my insurance policy."
"Well sir unfortunately not, laser hair removal is considered cosmetic and not related to an actual medical diagnosis."
"Oh but it is for a medical condition..It's not cosmetic."
"What is the medical condition sir?"
"I have extreme hair growth all over my body. It's really bad..."
"It's still cosmetic sir, it's not an actual disease or medical condition."
"You do not understand how much hair there is... When I shave I get horrible bumps all over my body."
"Yes sir that's razor burn common side affect of shaving."
"I have to shave everyday...If I let it go for a week or more I almost have a full coat of hair."
"I'm sorry sir I wish it was covered but unfortunately it's not."
Then as he went to hang up the phone I heard a feral roar in the background, like Chewbacca on Star Wars. And it wasn't until then that I realized who I was talking to...the Sasquatch!! Maybe Saquatchism is a medical condition and not the missing link. Who knows...

Oh here is a picture of me on a camping vacation with my parents.



Until next time this is Leroy...Signing out.