Waffles, Pancakes, and assorted Sausages...

Theres one thing I really hate about having to come to work in the morning. The fact that it is morning. I am just not a morning person I guess. First comes the average morning routine, wake up, shave, brush teeth, dig the eye boogers out, shower, and finally get ready for work. Somehow I get to work, ever end up somewhere and your like, "Did I really drive here? I don't remember the ride at all...did I sleep in my car all night again?" That happens to me everyday.

Then I sit down and log on my computer and check my blog and will myself to write a new one. Then the hens come in and start talking about what they had for breakfast. Pancakes, waffles, assorted sausages, bacon, grits, etc. All this talk of breakfast makes me so hungry that it becomes all I can think about. So after sitting and listening to the breakfast club conclude their meeting its time for me to take a call.

"Good morning Pancakes how can I help you today?"
"Umm... Hi, this is Mr. Hamm, I need to check to see why this claim rejected."

I am a moron, I can't believe I called this guy Pancakes, he prolly thinks I am gay and hitting on him, so I decide I might as well go with it at this point.

"Well sugar waffle...it looks likes this claim rejected because your only allowed 150$ for routine vision every 2 years and you used it all last year, darlin."
"Oh... well that explains it. Thanks for your help mam."

Stupid guy thought I was a woman. Until next time this is Grits with Cinnamon signing out. *skips away*

Capt. 'Hot Aft' Leroy

As most everyone knows or should know yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. Well working in a Customer Service Department answering phone calls and doing this all day would have gotten me fired, but because I am so dedicated to TLAPD I decided to do one call. Luckily the member didn't catch on and ask for my manager, or maybe it is true that everyone has a little pirate in them.

"Avast! This be Leroy, how can I be of service?"
"Good morning Leroy, this is Mrs. Jackson, I need to see if I have benefits for a routine colonoscopy? I have a family history of colon cancer and would like to have a screening."
"Arghh...I have a family history of booty problems, meself! Don't be dropping anchor just yet, I'll check to see if that's covered."
"Okay..."
"Alright Matey, Looks to me like a colon screening is covered under you health insurance policy. Hopefully you'll be having clear skies and sails full of wind!"
" Thanks for the information Leroy, you have a good day."
"You too lass, may your keels be full of haul and your seas as smooth as glass!"


Argg, that did tickle me wooden leg! Until next time, this is Capt 'Hot Aft' Leroy signing out!

Hold me Gently Part II

In the customer service world we are graded on our calls in three areas. The first is talk time, which is how long the average of all our calls last, we have to keep this around two minutes and 45 seconds. Second is if we gave them the right information and third is how often we sign off the phone. I am a pro at talk time because I can multi-task really well and I try to never put people on hold.

The problem with never putting people on hold is that they are to used to being put on hold by everyone else in the whole world. So when I say, " Just a second while I pull that up!" They think I am no longer on the phone and won't hear anything they say because there is a few seconds of silence. I often hear very informing information on these slip ups, and they are almost always humorous. I have written a lot of these down and I thought I would share a few periodically.

"Just a second while I pull that up."
"Hey...whats that noise? Is that the Ice Cream Man?! Oh my God...I should just hang up right now and call back."
"Well I'm still here if you needa go thats fine, you can just call me back."
"Oh...*click*"

"Just a moment, I'll pull that up for you."
" HURRY UP! You have to act mean to these people or they wont do anything for you."
"I'm still here mam.."
" I am mad...and I am NOT acting now."

"I understand how you feel sir but give me one second to pull this up, thanks."
"He doesn't understand.. He doesn't know me. UUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Okay sir, I am back."
"So you have the claim up now?"

"Leroy, I am just not satisfied with that answer, can you look over it again?"
"Sure, give me just a moment to pull it back up."
"...THAT STUPID MOTHER #$@&*^, I JUST WANT TO RIP HIS FACE OFF AND THROW IT AGAINST A WALL OVER AND OVER AND OVER... UGHHH!!!"
"Yeah I didn't put you on hold yet mam."
*click*

What really kills me is people don't realize what all that phone receiver picks up. I can basically hear anyone talking in the room or what they are watching on T.V. What really kills me is people talking in the background to their spouse telling them what to say.

"I need to know why this particular claim rejected." (Wife)
"Okay let me pull that up for you." (Leroy)
"yeah find out why it's rejecting then freaking pay it. Why do we even have insurance. Ask him that!" (Husband in background)
"Well the claim is rejecting because a routine office visit is only covered once a year and this is the second one." (Leroy)
"Well why do I even have insurance then?" (Wife)
"Well you took it out with your employer, but they set these guidlines for us to follow" (Leroy)
"You ask him what you employer has to do with this!" (Husband in the background)
"Mam, ask your husband if he wants me to just talk to him." (Leroy)
"Oh...you can hear him?"(Wife)
"Yup...everything." (Leroy)
"No its okay I'll tell him to shut up and go in another room." (Wife)

So remember next time you break into song while your on "hold," you may not really be on hold. Until next time,
Leroy

Morning Woody!

A long time ago in a far far away place I worked at Arby's, a fast food restraunt. It was about a week after the movie Toy Story came out and we had toys in our kid's meals promoting the movie. All we got were Buzz Lightyears. It was about 15 minutes until we closed so I had everyone cleaning and I was taking orders and getting things together for the 1 or 2 customers we had at that time. Then this young lady came in with her little boy and his eyes lit up at the posters on the wall with all the toys shown on them.

"MOM! I want a Woody!"
I just shook my head because I knew this was going to be bad. The lady came up to place her order.
"Yes I want a numer one combo for myself and a kids meal with the chicken nuggets, can I get a Woody with the nuggets?"
"I'm sorry mam but I don't have a Woody...all I got is Buzz Lightyears."
"MOM I WANT A WOODY!"
" Just a minute son..Listen sir, he has his mind set on the Woody, I really need a woody if you have one."
" I wish I did have a Woody mam I would certaintly give it to you willingly, but I don't. I'm so sorry."
"Can I speak to your manager? I know that sometimes you can only release them at certain times and I want to ask him if he has a Woody hidden away some where."
"I am the manager and I can assure you that if I had a Woody it wouldn't be hidden, I would have it right out in the open, but I tell you what I can give you one of these posters that have the Woody on it."
"Well...that would work. Thanks for all your help."
I was glad to get out of that situation, I had to go wash my hands afterward because I felt so dirty but I was glad to be out of it. Well with my new job I figured I wouldn't ever have to endure such a situation again, boy was I wrong. For the last few weeks anywhere from 5 to 8 callers a day mistake my name for something else.

"Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"Oh Hi Woody, this is John from Walanche Bank..."
Leroy doesnt even sound like WOODY!!!

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can i help you today?"
"Mornin' Woody!"

There must be some magical fairy or gremlin coming in on the line like those cheesy voice overs on movies with bad words played on public T.V.
"You stupid mother CHEESE." And it was a girl saying it but CHEESE was in a guys voice, maybe someone is going,"Good morning this is WOODY, how can I help you?"

I donno, but until next time, this is WOODY signing out.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Everyone famous has some kind of organization or cause they support or are the front runners of. I decided that I would support what should be the most important holiday of the year, Talk Like a Pirate Day. On September 19th, a week from tommorow, is when this most important holiday will take place. What do I do on TLAPD you ask? Well...you pull out your Buckle and start Swashing it, you gargle some salt water to get the nasty phlegm sound in your throat, you throw your fist in the air when you see your wife and yell, "Arghh!! Bring me cereal wench!"

It is all about talking like a pirate. this was started by two guys, John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur & Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, while playing raquetball. Somehow they started using pirate slang and it made the game go faster and their time more enjoyable, and they have been fighting for TLAPD ever since. they have been featured in the Miami herald and people everywhere are starting to fall into the use of Pirate Lingo on Sept 19th.

So please do everything you can to help Ol' Leroy out and support Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th! Also visit http://www.talklikeapirate.com for more info and a lot of fun stories and facts. And here's hoping to not getting fired on Sept 19th!!

May yer keels be full and the sea like glass for all yer sailing days! Arghh! that tickles me wooden leg!
Captain Leroy!

Death by Phone

Everyone feels like their job is going to kill them atleast once in their life. Like if you work on a backhoe it might blow up one day, if your a massage therapist you might tee off a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu master, or if your a preacher God may fire you. The only harm I may suffer at my job is to my sanity, never have I feared death at work...until now.

Mondays always are the worst days at work for two reasons. First off we get the most calls on Mondays because everyone is pent up over the weekend because we are off. Second it is Monday to everyone else as well, so they are just as pissed off as I am. I usually try to resolve to make it a good day and end up throwing my headset across the room by the second or third call. This was the scariest Monday yet.

I got to my desk, drank a few sips of coffee, logged on the computer, checked to see how many comments I have on my blog (because they let me know you are reading them), and finally sign on the phone. BOOM! First call comes in.
"Hello on this fine morning, my name is Leroy how can I be of service to you?"
"Hi Leroy, my name is Jane Death, D-E-A-T-H and I was calling to talk to you."
I have never prayed so fast in all my life... Oh Jesus, forgive me where I have failed you, I tried to be good most of my life, I pray and read the good book, Why is it time for me to go Lord?
Then I thought, all our calls are random maybe she doesnt want to talk right to me, but she did say "I was calling to talk to you." I'm not ready to die! And why would God be so cruel to make the Angel of Death a woman?! They are so merciless! And why does she also work for Bestbuy, does God not have good health benefits?
I could hear Death calling my name over and over and over...and then I realized she was still on the phone and I hadn't been talking.
"Oh..sorry Mrs. Death, the computer seems to be going really slow, let me check something.... Yep, it seems our computer system has gone down, I'll have to ask you to call back in about 30 minutes to an hour and we should have it back up by then."
"Well...okay. It was really important but I guess I'll call back."
"Thank you Mrs. Death."

Stupid Angel of Death, good thing she didn't come in person. Then she would have known the computers were fine. Leroy => Death.
Until next time, Leroy.

Viva la Leroy

It never fails. Everytime it gets close to me being able to sign out for lunch I get a very long drawn out call and I end up going to lunch late. Which is not a good thing for someone who loves lunch so much. Yesterday was no exception. I was sitting there poised over the signout button on my phone and BLAM! Phone call:
"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how may I help you today?"
"Soma one der Speaka da Spanish?"
So I responded in the one spanish phrase I know..
"Uno momento por favor!"
At this point I have to call the Language Line, I get an interpreter on the line named Maria, and I conference her in on the call and she interprets for me and the customer. So we go back and forth for a long time getting general information. Then me and Manuel get into an argument about the claim he is calling on.
"Maria.. Please tell Manuel that the claim is rejecting because of how his doctor submitted it, he needs to contact the doctor to question how they filed it."
"Leroy, Manuel says you are incompetent and he is not hanging up this phone until you take care of this."
"Maria, tell Manuel in a slightly angry tone of voice he needs to contact his doctor."
So they go back and forth Speakin da Spanish for like 4 minutes. And Maria comes back and says,
"He said he will call the doctor, Have a good day."
"Thats all he said?"
"Yes... thats all he said."
"But you were talking back and forth for like 4 minutes and thats all he said?"
" Yes..."
So I let it go... Even though I shouldn't have because I bet they were talking about me spitefully. I went home to my apartment for lunch and made a sandwich while muttering curses for those of Spanish descent. I got a plate and a drink and went and sat down at my computer. As I am sitting there feasting, I hear a scratchy scrapy noise on my window. Well I am on the 2nd floor in my apartment building so I figure its a bird or a squirell or something. But it goes on for like 20 minutes. So I decide I am going to scare the crap out of this bird and it wont ever come back. So I sneak over to the window and grab the cord to the blinds.

I ripped the blinds open and jumped up. I came face to face with a Mexican on a ladder and we both screamed like girls. He almost fell of the ladder and I stood there wide eyed thinking I was about to be the cause of his death, but he held on and sat there waving a paint brush at my face and screaming at me in spanish. I held my hands out and said "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" And quickly closed the blinds. I did notice one thing as I closed the blinds, the name tag on his paint splatered jumpsuit said... "Manuel."

Does anyone know what "punta" means? Until next time,
Leroy!