Baby Fat

I'm a little "husky" myself but it amazed me how people want a quick fix for their "fat" problems. There are all type of procedures out there to lose weight quick, suck out the fat, and turn your stomach into a tube straight out your rectum. What happened to just good old excercise and diet? What happened to not eating every meal at Mc'Donalds and never stepping outside, except to sprint in to every place you go. Which brings me to a conversation I had this morning:

"Good Morning, this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
" I was calling because my doctor told me I need to join an excercise program to help lose some weight."
" I am sorry miss, but exercise programs are not eligible under your Health Insurance."
" But my Doctor recommended it due to medical reasons."
" What is the medical reason, mam?"
"I have baby fat."
" I am sorry but Baby Fat is not a medical diagnosis and your youngest child is 17, I am sorry but this is just not a service covered on your insurance."
" But the doctor said I need to try Pilates to lose some weight."
" I am sorry mam but if Jesus him self came down from heaven with a flaming sword on a chariot of water and feathers and told me right now that he recommended you have pilates it would still not be covered."
" I don't believe in Jesus anyway..."
"Have a good day mam."

Maybe I still have baby fat from when I was born. Maybe I'll have the surgery where my stomach is bypassed to shoot food straight out my rectum. Ta Ta for now,

Leroy

From the Files of Leroy...

So there has been quite a length of time since I posted on the website here and you are probably wondering why. Well, it has been a rough time for me since the last post. I had a death in my family that hit me really hard, I had a birth in the family that is freaking awesome, and I made love to some family which was really akward. (Just kidding...)

We have a prgram at the company I work for where you take money out of your check, pre-tax, to fund a little debit card for medical expenses. The key word here is Medical Expenses. You would not believe the kind of crap people try to use their cards for and think it is okay. For example...

" Hello this is Leroy, How can I help you today?"
" Why ain't my card workin Leroy? It worked yesterday at the pharmacy and now it ain't working."
"Well looking at your account I don't see anything that would hold it up, let me pull up your transaction history and I'll try and see why it is rejecting."

So I look it up and quickly see that this man is retarded.

"Sir, where are you trying to use the card at?"
"I'm using it at the hospital! Ain't no reason this shouldn't work! It's MY MONEY!"
"Well sir, do me a favor and look around you and ask yourself if where you are at really looks like a hospital."
"Don't look like a hospital but it is across the street from it."
"It very well may be true that the Shell Station the card is being used at is close to the hospital but unfortunately sir you cannot use the card to purchase gas at the pump."
"SCREW YOU THEN!"

Also had a lady try to use the card at a Chik-fil-A in the hospital before. She couldn't understand why it wouldn't work there. I asked her if she thought it should work at a Chik-fil-A in the mall? She said, "No, it's in the Mall! You can't use a medical savings card at the mall, I've tried!!"

Fish in a Barrel... Until next time, Leroy!

Friday is for Retards

I don't know what it is about Friday, but we always receive the highest volume of retarded people calling in on this day. It never fails I will have these following questions atleast 10-20 times on a Friday, where as on Monday- Thursday I will get these questions 1-5 times.

Retarded Question #1: I see there is a fax number on this form, can I fax it to this number?

No, we put the fax number on the form so you can send us questions, then we'll fax the answer back to you...

Retarded Question #2: When I fax this form in with my receipts, do I need to fax the original receipts?

Yes sir, because we get that actual crumpled yellow peice of paper with the chewing tobacco stains come through the fax machine. It makes me want to ask this question, When you put something in the fax machine it does come back out right?

Retarded Question #3: Im trying to fax this form in to you guys but the line is busy, what should I do?

Keep trying...

Usually I try and be understanding and caring, because I know that people can't know everything about their Medical Savings Account. But the above questions are pretty straight forward and should be able to be answered even before they are spoken. What really gets me is some of these people will call us and hold for 10 minutes before they get one of us and still have this question in their mind.

I know its been a while and there were some rumors I was dead but I am trying to make a comeback, until next time... LEEEEROOOOYYYYY!!!

The Perfect Storm

I honestly feel for any one that had to suffer the effects of Katrina. I had probably hundreds of calls from Katrina victims and people who had family that were victims of Katrina. And from watching that Spike Lee joint I understand that many people are still suffering. With the Medical Savings accounts I handle now for a time we would "forgive" people if they were in a Katrina affected area and had lost their receipts. But a lot of times people like to take advantage of the system.

"Good Morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"Yeah dis is Mr. Wilbur, I was callin on that Cafeteria plan, where I got the Visa card and all."
"Right, I'd be happy to help you Mr. Wilbur, whats the problem?"
"We'll I lost some receipts in the hurricane and I need one of those forms so I can get forgiven for them."
"Oh, is this for where you used the card last year and don't have the receipts due to katrina?"
"Yeah that's it."
"Okay sir what was the date of the card swipe?"
"That would be May 27th of 2006 for 20$ and June 3rd for 15$, both at Wally World."
"Well sir..the Hurricane happened well over a year ago, I don't think you lost the receipts because of that."
"Yes I DID!"
"Can you explain how those receipts were lost?"
"When Katrina came it washed away my house and the receipts were in there."
"Sir, Katrina hit in August of 2005 I don't think it washed away your receipts."
"I says it did!"
"Sir do you still live on 555 Made up Road?"
"I've lived there for 5 years!"
"Sir that address is in Missouri, it wasn't directly affected by the hurricane and we won't be able to forgive you for that."
"Dangit, I told Shirley that wouldn't work..."

Maybe Katrina is the reason I can't find matching socks in my house. Until next time, Leroy!

Prince Leroy

I know that you can't sample my illustrius vocal chords by reading this, but just so you know I have a marvelous voice. I am not sure what it is about my voice but women melt at the sound of it, some guys do too...but that is just weird. I try and take my job very seriously and provide the highest level of customer service available, but what happens when someone falls in love with me and I have to gently let them down?

"Good morning this is Leroy, may I have your name please?"
"This is Mrs. Marigold, I sure hope you can help me Leroy."
"I'll do everything I can..what is the problem Mrs. Marigold?"
"Well I have a Medical Savings account with you guys and I have forgotten about it and it is getting so close to the end of the year and I have not submitted anything. I am afraid I am going to lose all that money. *sob*"
"Mrs. Marigold...(deep resonant voice...like sex and chocolate) I'm happy to say I can help you. We also handle your insurance so I can pull over those claims and reimburse you your full two-thousand dollars. you'll have it in about 7-10 days."
"*gasp* Leroy!"
"Yes mam?"
"I love you..."
"Sorry Mam, but I am married."
"To bad..I was gonna ask you out for drinks, have a good night Leroy."

Lucky for you all my velvet vochals can't drift through my typing or all of your loins would be frothing for Leroy. Until next time, Leroy.

You can't Escape Leroy!!

Contrary to popular belief there arn't a whole lot of people in my area that takes the kind of calls that I do. So at a certain point in the day where people are on break or leave early it is quite possible I am the only one here. This situation can actually make for a lot of comedy.

"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Well you can get your act together for one thing. I am so sick of yall messing with MY money. MY money not your money, and I want it corrected right now!"
"I'm happy to assist you, whats the problem?"
"Well you are rejecting my claims..I need to know WHY and then I need you to send me a check."
"I'm apologize mam but your insurance canceled as of September 1st, that is why we are rejecting these claims."
"No it didn't cancel...send me my check."
"I'm sorry but it really did cancel."
"No it didn't."
"If it wasn't supposed to cancel you will want to contact your Human Resources with your employer at 1-866-555-5555."
" FINE! I Will call them!!!"
*click*

5 Mins later...

"Good afternoon this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"I am so sick of getting you Leroy...this is Mrs. Bailey."
"Did you call the number I gave you Mrs. Bailey?"
"No because you are going to reinstate my insurance."
"I can't reinstate it mam that has to come from your employer so you will want to call that number I gave you."
"I HATE YOU!"
*click*

3 mins later...
"Good afternoon this is Leroy h-"
"&^%$*# *#@!@*! @#$%!!!!"
"Mrs. Bailey is that you?"
"Yes! And I want your Job!"
"I can assure you that you do not want my job Mrs. Bailey."
"NO! I want you to get fired! You are playing games with me!!"
"All I am doing is answering the phone Mrs. Bailey. Did you call the number I gave you? They can reinstate your insurance..."
"Well I hope they can fire yo &%$ too!!! GOODBYE FOREVER LEROY!"

3 mins later...I WENT HOME! Until next time this is Leroy signing out.

Conartist Grannies

Yesterday on my way home from work I looked down and my gaslight was on. So I turned into the shell station and pulled my car up to the tank. I hopped out took my gas cap off and started pumping. I finished and went inside and paid. When I came out of the gas station there was this feeble old lady standing next to my car with a big smile on her face.

"Excuse me sonny, can you help me?"
"I'll do what I can..whats the matter mam?"
"I don't know how to pump gas, my husband has always done it for me and hes at home sick. Will you pump my gas for me?"

For a minute or two I just stare at the lady. I mean she is like 80+ years old and she has never pumped gas before? And is it really that hard to figure out? If she had said, "Hey I'm an old fart with Athritis and I can't physically do it." Then that I could understand. But never pumped it before?! Something was amiss here...

"Well I'll do a two for one deal. I'll show you how to pump gas while I do it. That sound okay?"
"That would be great. I'm in that Lincoln Town Car over there."
"The one that is like 20 feet long? (the Land Yacht that noone that can't pump gas should be driving?)"
"Yes that's it."

So I mosey on over and start to show her how it's done. This is where Leroy the Customer Service rep really kicked in.

"This is called the gas cap, you work it much like a Mason jar or a jar of Bama Mayonaise. Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey. Repeat that for me."
"Righty Tighty, Left Loosey."
"Good, next you want to remove the Gas pump. Like so...place the shaft into the hole and squeeze it good and tight. When the tank is full it will pop a little bit. Don't be scared. Then you place it back onto the pump and your done. Well ya gotta remember to put the gas cap back on."
"Righty Tighty..Lefty Loosey. Thank you ever so much sir."
"All in a days work!"

And then she gave me a nickle and got in her Land Yacht and left. It wasn't until I was almost home that I realized I forgot to teach her one of the most important lessons in pumping gas.
Paying for it.

So next time you are out pumping gas beware the Conartist Grannies. Until next time, Leroy.

Leroy the Inventor

When I was in middle school we had a contest to see who could come up with a practical and useful invention. I came up with an Automatic Dog Feeder, because at that time I hated tromping out to the dog pen in my underwear and boots just to feed the dogs. So I decided if I only had to fill a bin up once a week it would be a lot better. So I made the thing that would distribute portions of dog food into the bowls beneath them with the pull of a string. It worked great for a while until the dogs learned to pull the string anytime they were hungry.

Later on in life about the time when Listerine Strips became a big thing I thought of a similar invention. Deodorant strips. They work just like Listerine Strips. You pull one out of the pocket size packet and slap it on your armpit and it dissolves and refreshes your deodorant/antiperspirant. So I juggled the idea around for a month or so and tried to figure out how to do it and finally gave up. But it's still funny some of the inventions and especially the infomercials that are constantly coming out. Which brings me to a call I had yesterday...

"Good morning this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Hey Leroy this is Mrs. Darby and I was watching T.V. early this morning and saw something that I wanted to purchase through my insurance."
"Sure we can definately check and see if it's covered or not by your insurance, what is it mam?"
"Well I'm sure it's covered Chuck Norris said most insurances cover it. It's the Total Gym, it has over 80 Excercises I can do, and could supplement my Physical therapy I am taking."
"Well...I'm sorry to say mam but unfortunately that is considered a convenience item and is not covered by your medical insurance."
"But Chuck Norris said it would be covered..."
"Well I agree that Chuck Norris may be a modern medical miracle since I heard he healed someone with a roundhouse kick, and his blood cures AIDS, but unfortunately he is not a medical doctor...and even if it was prescribed by one it would still not be covered."
"Well I am highly upset that this is not covered by my insurance since it would greatly improve my health and probably save you money in the long run."
"I understand your frustration mam but we cannot cover something of that nature. And for future reference we don't cover the Abberciser or the Thighmaster, even when reccomended by a Martial Arts master."
"Well...thanks for nothing Leroy."

Even though he could wipe out 7 generations of my family tree with a roundhouse kick to the face, Chuck Norris is no match for Leroy the Customer Service Rep. Until next time, Leroy!

Saquatch Sighting

Some say I was born with chest hair. I don't know what caused it but I am a pretty hairy man. I'll put it this way...I've been naked before around people and no one has noticed. It's not so bad I feel I need to trim it back or have it surgically removed but it's there none the less. I've jokingly been called Sasquatch by my friends on several occasions but I have never been mistaken as an actual Sasquatch sighting, but I think I talked to one on the phone.

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can I help you today?"
"Hi Leroy, this is Mr. Henderson. You can call me Harry. I need to see if laser hair removal is covered under my insurance policy."
"Well sir unfortunately not, laser hair removal is considered cosmetic and not related to an actual medical diagnosis."
"Oh but it is for a medical condition..It's not cosmetic."
"What is the medical condition sir?"
"I have extreme hair growth all over my body. It's really bad..."
"It's still cosmetic sir, it's not an actual disease or medical condition."
"You do not understand how much hair there is... When I shave I get horrible bumps all over my body."
"Yes sir that's razor burn common side affect of shaving."
"I have to shave everyday...If I let it go for a week or more I almost have a full coat of hair."
"I'm sorry sir I wish it was covered but unfortunately it's not."
Then as he went to hang up the phone I heard a feral roar in the background, like Chewbacca on Star Wars. And it wasn't until then that I realized who I was talking to...the Sasquatch!! Maybe Saquatchism is a medical condition and not the missing link. Who knows...

Oh here is a picture of me on a camping vacation with my parents.



Until next time this is Leroy...Signing out.

Swiper, No Swiping!!!

They moved me to a different area of customer service now. I still get general calls on people's health insurance every once in a while, but mainly I am taking Cafeteria Plan calls. A Cafeteria Plan is where someone elects to have a portion of each paycheck to be placed in a medical savings account. The benefit of it is its tax free and they can use the whole allotted amount for the year up front.

The problem with this whole plan is we give people a Visa card to pull money out of the account, but because it's tax free the IRS has guidelines that they have to send in a receipt for every single card swipe to make sure it was a valid medical expense. Hardly anyone saves these receipts. We will send out letters for 4 months asking for the receipts and if we don't receive them we deactivate the Visa card. This ticks people off and they act like we're some horrible company when its no ones fault but theirs. Whats really funny is what people try to do when they don't have a receipt...

"Morning this is Leroy, how can I help you today?"
"Hi this is Mr. Murphy, my Cafeteria Card is not working and I need to know why."
"Well from what I am showing sir there is a transaction on March 15Th of this year, we have sent you letters over the last 6 months asking for receipts and when we didn't receive a response we turned the card off."
"Where was the card swiped at?"
"Adam's Drugs..."
"I don't even go to Adam's Drugs!"
"Sir it shows every time you have swiped the card at a pharmacy it was at Adam's Drugs, you have used the card there 27 times this year actually."
"Oh, well this particular one on March 15Th is fraudulent I did not make that swipe."
"Sir that swipe was made at 10:15 am, you also used the card that day at Vision Center at 9:00 am and at Dr. Dre's office at 12:30 pm. You sent us receipts for those two charges."
"That doesn't mean I used it at Adam's Drugs!"
"Okay...So your telling me you went to Vision Center, then someone stole your card and used it at Adam's Drugs, then it magically appeared back in your wallet at Dr. Dre's office?"
"Yeah basically..."
"So your gonna go with that?"
"Better than what I was about to say.."

To this day I wonder what he was about to say to convince me he did not make that card swipe. I ended up sending him some fraudulent swipe claim papers that's like 30 pages long. He filled it out and sent it back to me. We pulled the receipts from the store and his signature matched perfectly. He is still saying he didn't do it.. Well, until next time, this is Leroy signing out.

Waffles, Pancakes, and assorted Sausages...

Theres one thing I really hate about having to come to work in the morning. The fact that it is morning. I am just not a morning person I guess. First comes the average morning routine, wake up, shave, brush teeth, dig the eye boogers out, shower, and finally get ready for work. Somehow I get to work, ever end up somewhere and your like, "Did I really drive here? I don't remember the ride at all...did I sleep in my car all night again?" That happens to me everyday.

Then I sit down and log on my computer and check my blog and will myself to write a new one. Then the hens come in and start talking about what they had for breakfast. Pancakes, waffles, assorted sausages, bacon, grits, etc. All this talk of breakfast makes me so hungry that it becomes all I can think about. So after sitting and listening to the breakfast club conclude their meeting its time for me to take a call.

"Good morning Pancakes how can I help you today?"
"Umm... Hi, this is Mr. Hamm, I need to check to see why this claim rejected."

I am a moron, I can't believe I called this guy Pancakes, he prolly thinks I am gay and hitting on him, so I decide I might as well go with it at this point.

"Well sugar waffle...it looks likes this claim rejected because your only allowed 150$ for routine vision every 2 years and you used it all last year, darlin."
"Oh... well that explains it. Thanks for your help mam."

Stupid guy thought I was a woman. Until next time this is Grits with Cinnamon signing out. *skips away*

Capt. 'Hot Aft' Leroy

As most everyone knows or should know yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. Well working in a Customer Service Department answering phone calls and doing this all day would have gotten me fired, but because I am so dedicated to TLAPD I decided to do one call. Luckily the member didn't catch on and ask for my manager, or maybe it is true that everyone has a little pirate in them.

"Avast! This be Leroy, how can I be of service?"
"Good morning Leroy, this is Mrs. Jackson, I need to see if I have benefits for a routine colonoscopy? I have a family history of colon cancer and would like to have a screening."
"Arghh...I have a family history of booty problems, meself! Don't be dropping anchor just yet, I'll check to see if that's covered."
"Okay..."
"Alright Matey, Looks to me like a colon screening is covered under you health insurance policy. Hopefully you'll be having clear skies and sails full of wind!"
" Thanks for the information Leroy, you have a good day."
"You too lass, may your keels be full of haul and your seas as smooth as glass!"


Argg, that did tickle me wooden leg! Until next time, this is Capt 'Hot Aft' Leroy signing out!

Hold me Gently Part II

In the customer service world we are graded on our calls in three areas. The first is talk time, which is how long the average of all our calls last, we have to keep this around two minutes and 45 seconds. Second is if we gave them the right information and third is how often we sign off the phone. I am a pro at talk time because I can multi-task really well and I try to never put people on hold.

The problem with never putting people on hold is that they are to used to being put on hold by everyone else in the whole world. So when I say, " Just a second while I pull that up!" They think I am no longer on the phone and won't hear anything they say because there is a few seconds of silence. I often hear very informing information on these slip ups, and they are almost always humorous. I have written a lot of these down and I thought I would share a few periodically.

"Just a second while I pull that up."
"Hey...whats that noise? Is that the Ice Cream Man?! Oh my God...I should just hang up right now and call back."
"Well I'm still here if you needa go thats fine, you can just call me back."
"Oh...*click*"

"Just a moment, I'll pull that up for you."
" HURRY UP! You have to act mean to these people or they wont do anything for you."
"I'm still here mam.."
" I am mad...and I am NOT acting now."

"I understand how you feel sir but give me one second to pull this up, thanks."
"He doesn't understand.. He doesn't know me. UUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Okay sir, I am back."
"So you have the claim up now?"

"Leroy, I am just not satisfied with that answer, can you look over it again?"
"Sure, give me just a moment to pull it back up."
"...THAT STUPID MOTHER #$@&*^, I JUST WANT TO RIP HIS FACE OFF AND THROW IT AGAINST A WALL OVER AND OVER AND OVER... UGHHH!!!"
"Yeah I didn't put you on hold yet mam."
*click*

What really kills me is people don't realize what all that phone receiver picks up. I can basically hear anyone talking in the room or what they are watching on T.V. What really kills me is people talking in the background to their spouse telling them what to say.

"I need to know why this particular claim rejected." (Wife)
"Okay let me pull that up for you." (Leroy)
"yeah find out why it's rejecting then freaking pay it. Why do we even have insurance. Ask him that!" (Husband in background)
"Well the claim is rejecting because a routine office visit is only covered once a year and this is the second one." (Leroy)
"Well why do I even have insurance then?" (Wife)
"Well you took it out with your employer, but they set these guidlines for us to follow" (Leroy)
"You ask him what you employer has to do with this!" (Husband in the background)
"Mam, ask your husband if he wants me to just talk to him." (Leroy)
"Oh...you can hear him?"(Wife)
"Yup...everything." (Leroy)
"No its okay I'll tell him to shut up and go in another room." (Wife)

So remember next time you break into song while your on "hold," you may not really be on hold. Until next time,
Leroy

Morning Woody!

A long time ago in a far far away place I worked at Arby's, a fast food restraunt. It was about a week after the movie Toy Story came out and we had toys in our kid's meals promoting the movie. All we got were Buzz Lightyears. It was about 15 minutes until we closed so I had everyone cleaning and I was taking orders and getting things together for the 1 or 2 customers we had at that time. Then this young lady came in with her little boy and his eyes lit up at the posters on the wall with all the toys shown on them.

"MOM! I want a Woody!"
I just shook my head because I knew this was going to be bad. The lady came up to place her order.
"Yes I want a numer one combo for myself and a kids meal with the chicken nuggets, can I get a Woody with the nuggets?"
"I'm sorry mam but I don't have a Woody...all I got is Buzz Lightyears."
"MOM I WANT A WOODY!"
" Just a minute son..Listen sir, he has his mind set on the Woody, I really need a woody if you have one."
" I wish I did have a Woody mam I would certaintly give it to you willingly, but I don't. I'm so sorry."
"Can I speak to your manager? I know that sometimes you can only release them at certain times and I want to ask him if he has a Woody hidden away some where."
"I am the manager and I can assure you that if I had a Woody it wouldn't be hidden, I would have it right out in the open, but I tell you what I can give you one of these posters that have the Woody on it."
"Well...that would work. Thanks for all your help."
I was glad to get out of that situation, I had to go wash my hands afterward because I felt so dirty but I was glad to be out of it. Well with my new job I figured I wouldn't ever have to endure such a situation again, boy was I wrong. For the last few weeks anywhere from 5 to 8 callers a day mistake my name for something else.

"Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"Oh Hi Woody, this is John from Walanche Bank..."
Leroy doesnt even sound like WOODY!!!

"Good Morning this is Leroy how can i help you today?"
"Mornin' Woody!"

There must be some magical fairy or gremlin coming in on the line like those cheesy voice overs on movies with bad words played on public T.V.
"You stupid mother CHEESE." And it was a girl saying it but CHEESE was in a guys voice, maybe someone is going,"Good morning this is WOODY, how can I help you?"

I donno, but until next time, this is WOODY signing out.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Everyone famous has some kind of organization or cause they support or are the front runners of. I decided that I would support what should be the most important holiday of the year, Talk Like a Pirate Day. On September 19th, a week from tommorow, is when this most important holiday will take place. What do I do on TLAPD you ask? Well...you pull out your Buckle and start Swashing it, you gargle some salt water to get the nasty phlegm sound in your throat, you throw your fist in the air when you see your wife and yell, "Arghh!! Bring me cereal wench!"

It is all about talking like a pirate. this was started by two guys, John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur & Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, while playing raquetball. Somehow they started using pirate slang and it made the game go faster and their time more enjoyable, and they have been fighting for TLAPD ever since. they have been featured in the Miami herald and people everywhere are starting to fall into the use of Pirate Lingo on Sept 19th.

So please do everything you can to help Ol' Leroy out and support Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th! Also visit http://www.talklikeapirate.com for more info and a lot of fun stories and facts. And here's hoping to not getting fired on Sept 19th!!

May yer keels be full and the sea like glass for all yer sailing days! Arghh! that tickles me wooden leg!
Captain Leroy!

Death by Phone

Everyone feels like their job is going to kill them atleast once in their life. Like if you work on a backhoe it might blow up one day, if your a massage therapist you might tee off a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu master, or if your a preacher God may fire you. The only harm I may suffer at my job is to my sanity, never have I feared death at work...until now.

Mondays always are the worst days at work for two reasons. First off we get the most calls on Mondays because everyone is pent up over the weekend because we are off. Second it is Monday to everyone else as well, so they are just as pissed off as I am. I usually try to resolve to make it a good day and end up throwing my headset across the room by the second or third call. This was the scariest Monday yet.

I got to my desk, drank a few sips of coffee, logged on the computer, checked to see how many comments I have on my blog (because they let me know you are reading them), and finally sign on the phone. BOOM! First call comes in.
"Hello on this fine morning, my name is Leroy how can I be of service to you?"
"Hi Leroy, my name is Jane Death, D-E-A-T-H and I was calling to talk to you."
I have never prayed so fast in all my life... Oh Jesus, forgive me where I have failed you, I tried to be good most of my life, I pray and read the good book, Why is it time for me to go Lord?
Then I thought, all our calls are random maybe she doesnt want to talk right to me, but she did say "I was calling to talk to you." I'm not ready to die! And why would God be so cruel to make the Angel of Death a woman?! They are so merciless! And why does she also work for Bestbuy, does God not have good health benefits?
I could hear Death calling my name over and over and over...and then I realized she was still on the phone and I hadn't been talking.
"Oh..sorry Mrs. Death, the computer seems to be going really slow, let me check something.... Yep, it seems our computer system has gone down, I'll have to ask you to call back in about 30 minutes to an hour and we should have it back up by then."
"Well...okay. It was really important but I guess I'll call back."
"Thank you Mrs. Death."

Stupid Angel of Death, good thing she didn't come in person. Then she would have known the computers were fine. Leroy => Death.
Until next time, Leroy.

Viva la Leroy

It never fails. Everytime it gets close to me being able to sign out for lunch I get a very long drawn out call and I end up going to lunch late. Which is not a good thing for someone who loves lunch so much. Yesterday was no exception. I was sitting there poised over the signout button on my phone and BLAM! Phone call:
"Good Afternoon this is Leroy, how may I help you today?"
"Soma one der Speaka da Spanish?"
So I responded in the one spanish phrase I know..
"Uno momento por favor!"
At this point I have to call the Language Line, I get an interpreter on the line named Maria, and I conference her in on the call and she interprets for me and the customer. So we go back and forth for a long time getting general information. Then me and Manuel get into an argument about the claim he is calling on.
"Maria.. Please tell Manuel that the claim is rejecting because of how his doctor submitted it, he needs to contact the doctor to question how they filed it."
"Leroy, Manuel says you are incompetent and he is not hanging up this phone until you take care of this."
"Maria, tell Manuel in a slightly angry tone of voice he needs to contact his doctor."
So they go back and forth Speakin da Spanish for like 4 minutes. And Maria comes back and says,
"He said he will call the doctor, Have a good day."
"Thats all he said?"
"Yes... thats all he said."
"But you were talking back and forth for like 4 minutes and thats all he said?"
" Yes..."
So I let it go... Even though I shouldn't have because I bet they were talking about me spitefully. I went home to my apartment for lunch and made a sandwich while muttering curses for those of Spanish descent. I got a plate and a drink and went and sat down at my computer. As I am sitting there feasting, I hear a scratchy scrapy noise on my window. Well I am on the 2nd floor in my apartment building so I figure its a bird or a squirell or something. But it goes on for like 20 minutes. So I decide I am going to scare the crap out of this bird and it wont ever come back. So I sneak over to the window and grab the cord to the blinds.

I ripped the blinds open and jumped up. I came face to face with a Mexican on a ladder and we both screamed like girls. He almost fell of the ladder and I stood there wide eyed thinking I was about to be the cause of his death, but he held on and sat there waving a paint brush at my face and screaming at me in spanish. I held my hands out and said "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" And quickly closed the blinds. I did notice one thing as I closed the blinds, the name tag on his paint splatered jumpsuit said... "Manuel."

Does anyone know what "punta" means? Until next time,
Leroy!

C3-Leroy, Human Cyborg Relations

In 1876, at the age of 29, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. At this same time the war began, an underground war, a war between Customer Service Reps and their customers. The battles have raged on and on with wins and losses on each side, and it seems like the casualties in this war will forever be piled high and continue to grow. These battles are fought with words , canny thinking, and recordings for quality assurance. In our office we have tried to reduce the human casualties by placing anamatronic voice response units (VRUs) on the front line and to let us pick off the straglers as they get past. Sometimes the battle with the VRUs can be devestating to a customer and they will still believe they are fighting them even when they are connected to the Customer Service Rep, Special Forces.

Mrs. Johnson calls in...
"Good Morning this is Leroy, May I have your contract number please?"
In response the person punches in their contract number on the phone, I wait patiently for them to finish.
"Hello, I am not a computer, May I please have your contract number please?"
Once again...punched the numbers in...
"Hello!?"
"Oh, Hi..."
"How are you today?"
" I'm good, thanks."
"May I have your contract number please?"
Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep... Please tell me this is not for real, I was seriously 9 beeps away from slamming my head on the desk and ending it all. Then I thought...maybe this is some new tactic by the customers to have the Reps self destruct. Surely not..
"Mam, I am not a computer, I am a living breathing human being that does not have the compatability to understand the numbers you are punching in, Please give me your contract number or social security number verbally."
"Beep Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Beep Beep Boop Boop Boop." Now I know it may seem like she punched in the numbers again, but no....she made the noises with her mouth.
Score, 1 Customer, 0 Leroy.

Until next time,
Leroy, First Seargent of Special Forces CSR 3rd Division, Awarded the Purple Headset for Valor in the Line of Duty.

The Ultimate Chair

Everyone has a hobby, something that they do strictly because the enjoy doing it, not because they have to. My hobby is playing computer games, specificaly Massive Multiplayer Online Games. Games that connect to the internet and you play and interact with millions of people all over the world. I have met a lot of people on these games and have even established some lifelong friendships with people I have met. The only problem with these games is they require a lot of time to be succesful in your endeavors. So that is a lot of time sitting in a chair.

One day at work a miracle came to me in the form of an 82 year old man who couldnt walk to the bathroom. This is how the conversation went:

" Good morning this is Leroy may I have your name please?"
"This is George Georgerson born in 1897 and survivor of WWI and WWII where I was a tailgunner on a submarine in Natzi controlled Antarctica. I need to see if a Commode Chair is covered, I can't make it to the pisser."
"I'm sorry sir but im not familiar with the term Commode Chair, can you describe its purpouse?"
"We'll its a chair with a toilet built into it, so I dont have to get up to go."

How in the world had I never heard of these before?! This could be one of the greatest inventions of all time and I didn't even know about it! So I check for Mr. Georgerson and let him know it was indeed covered and then I thanked him for passing the information along to me that I was consdiering getting one myself. So I went home with thoughts of Dancing Commode chairs in my head. I looked up commode chairs on the internet and was suprised at how comfortable they looked, and if I put wheels on the legs combined with my hardwood floors I would never have to get up ever again!

And I always think so much better on the toilet anyways, this way I will be that much more focused all the time! Maybe I need one at work too... Until next time,

Leroy

Prince Leroy's Fairy Godfather

I know that most everyone has seen the Disney movies where the fair princess is in some dire need of Designer name shoes and a kick butt cairage. These wishes are usually fulfilled by the Fairy Godmother, who swoops in just in time to turn unwilling animals into designer wear and beasts of burden. Well I was at my parents house the other night eating dinner and conversing over this and that when it struck me. Who was my Godfather? No not my Italian Mafia boss, thats Joey Soprana, I'm talking about the person that if something happened to my parents when I was a child who would have taken care of me. So I asked...

"Hey Dad, who is my Godfather?"
"Joey Soprana."
"No Dad, not my mob boss, who did you designate as my Godfather when I was born?"
"Well...uhh.. it was one of our friends growing up in school."
"Oh what was his name?"
"Ro*mumble mumble*y"
"I'm sorry Dad I couldn't quite make that out..."
"Ronnie.."
"Oh yeah he was like yours and mom's best friend for a long time, I remember yall talking about him."
So I went on with the meal and I remembered exactly what my mom and dad talked about back when they talked about Ronnie.
"HEY! My Godfather is GAY!"
"Sorry son, we didnt know he was at the time.."
"I have a Fairy Godfather!"

I didnt know what to do with this information, on one hand it may be a good thing. Like I could wish for a new car, but it would probably end up being a purple VW Bug. I could ask for some new clothes, but they would be focused on making my ghetto booty look good. Yeah after further consideration I could not see where this would be a good thing. As a matter of fact if I wasn't careful I could end up butt deep in gayness.

This seems to happen anyways. At work I always get these gay couples calling me and talking to me about their sex life or things to help their sex life. First, how is it gay couples can't get married but they can be put on one anothers insurance. I think the HR person just doesnt want to get sued. I had a guy call today and wanted to know why we wouldn't cover Viagra for his "significant other." And it occured to me, is this really a problem that gay men face? If one is having problems rising to the occasion, can't he just swap positions?

I still havn't asked who my Godmother is, I'm afraid it may be my Mom's cocker spaniel. Until next time, Leroy!